22 March 2012

Why DJ's love their public...

stop asking me stuff and no, I won't
let you charge your phone up...
As a DJ you see all human life before you; the good, the bad and the just plain beautiful.
People will never stop getting on your tits and being a DJ and trying to take yourself seriously provides ample opportunities for life to interfere and annoy you even more. It's a great idea for a list of misanthropic navel gazing.

Please feel free to add your own in the comments at the bottom of the page.

    1. Sunglasses in clubs – If you are wearing sunglasses in a club, don’t fucking talk to me. It’s so dark in the DJ booth that I bring a torch. And a back up torch. You are not a celebrity. You are not blind. You are a tool. Except Robert Mc; you look cool.

2.   “Can I scratch?” – No! Fuck off. DJs have to practice scratching. It takes years to get good. We have to listen to the song to know where to scratch. You are on the wrong side of the turntables, don’t have headphones on, and don’t know what the fuck you are doing.

3.   Guys asking about equipment - I feel like I’m being interviewed. “What kind of turntable is that? Technic? Nice.  I have a Numark.” “What kind of mixer is that? Is it yours? How much did it cost?” “What’s that program on your computer? Is it like VirtualDJ? I know how to use that.” Fuck off.

4.   It’s your birthday - Everyone likes to celebrate their birthday. But just because it’s your birthday and your daddy says you’re special, doesn’t mean you have to fuck up my night. So, no I cannot turn the music off so your friends can sing “Happy Birthday” to you. Fuck off.

5.   Pump it up a bitThe worst kind of requests are the really general ones. Like asking for hip-hop or 80s music or “something I can dance to”.  “Faster” to them means: something I like better, something with which I’m more familiar, something exceedingly popular. Do you have any good music”? There’s always one who pays to come to a deep house night to hear deep house DJ’s and to hang with the deep house crowd who stands on the deep house dancefloor rolling their hand, or their eyes or pushing their palm in the air as they catch your eye as you DJ. It means, turn it up, or crank it up, or speed it up, or skip this song I don’t like it. For fucks sake. Wait; the song will change in a minute. It’s deep house; it’s slow. If you don’t like it fuck off.

6.   “Let me think…” - When you come up to request a song (which will probably be shit and old anyway) at least know what song you want to request. I’m kinda busy back here. Playing new tracks I just spent good money on. Related to “what songs do you have?” I have 2 x 500 GB hard drives on my laptop and an external drive with another 500 gigs, shit, I have a thousand songs on my phone! Go away.

7.   Alcohol – FFS, I don’t care about who you fuck and what stupid shit you do in the club, but if you are going to be near my expensive equipment, I definitely don’t want to have to worry about your motor skills. Don’t bring your drink by me.  You can barely stand up straight. And don’t put your empties in the DJ booth or on the table in front of the decks. Fuck off.

8.   Warm up DJ’s – don’t you just hate opening DJ’s who bang away like billio playing all the bangers thinking they’re some superstar DJ or something? Well, you’re not. Look up the word etiquette then fuck off back to obscurity.

9.   “Let me freestyle” - no one else besides your boy wants to hear you spit or flow. Even for a minute so don’t ask. It’s a deep house night. Fuck off.

10. Celebrity DJs – not a week goes by without an invitation to go to a party with “Celebrity DJ” X at Shitty Overpriced Nightclub Y (hosted by My Dad’s Money Promo Company Z). Real DJs who work hard and practice the craft lose out gigs to these semi-famous d-bags. Wish they’d just fuck off.

11. Talking to me while I’m mixing – I’m working. Don’t do it. When I stick a finger up (no, not the one I want to stick up, but the index finger, meaning “give me a second”) you get annoyed. Sheesh!

12. “I used to be a DJ” - Telling me that you were once a DJ back in the day is not going to make us best friends. Nor is it going to make me think you know what the fuck you are talking about. In case you didn’t notice, I actually AM a DJ.  Like right now.  At this very second. And your advice for “dancefloor rockers” is not helping. Fuck off.

13. Requesting the wrong type of music - It’s important to know what kind of club you are in, when requesting music. If you want to hear hip hop, you shouldn’t be in a club that plays all electro. This is a deep house night and we play deep house not dub-step. Fuck off.

14.  Other DJ’s - DJs won’t admit this, but I’ll let everyone in on the secret. DJs hate other DJs. We’ll be friends with other DJs, hang out with them, talk shop and stuff. But in the back of our minds, we really can’t stand those fucking fuckers. Every gig that another DJ is working is a gig that I’m not working. Whether it’s headlining a stadium show or doing the Baumgartner Bar Mitzvah. Doesn’t even matter what the gig is. It’s irrational, but true.

15.  “can I plug this in?” - The DJ booth is full of wires, plugs, cables, and random cords. There usually aren’t enough outlets for all the equipment that I need FFS. Rarely is there an extra outlet for you to plug your phone into. I’m not about to get out my flashlight and start searching around the booth for one either. Worst of all are the apple iphone people asking for a spare USB. The answer is no; fuck off. Applies also to “can I put my coat in the DJ booth?”
16.  ‘hey man, you know anybody that has some shit?’ - No, I don’t take drugs (whilst working) or have drugs to sell or know someone who will sell you drugs. I’m the DJ. and no, you can’t rack out a bump behind the decks. Fuck off.

17.  Drunk Friends - Dear Friends, Thank you for coming out and supporting my gig. I really appreciate it, but I have to let you in on a little secret. I hate you right now. Just because we are friends does not mean that you get a free pass to do all the annoying shit that other people do. Take them sunglassess off, no, you can’t scratch or make the Wiki Wiki sound, I will not ‘pump it up’ or turn the music off so you can sing happy birthday to your drunker friend. Nor will I play your top 10, get you free drinks all night on my tab, allow you to talk to me while I mix or play any hip hop for you. If there’ s a spare USB you can charge your iphone up. Now, don’t touch my laptop or come behind the decks. I will hold your coat for you though. You’re welcome.

For more stuff DJ’s hate try http://stuffdjshate.wordpress.com/