9 January 2012

Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

New Years Resolutions? Fuck off!

Finally, it has happened; as a result of the breakdown in the brain's reward system, involving the neurotransmitter dopamine, through too much imbuement of dopamine inducing pharma-chemicals producing a stimulating, for its time, pleasure release; it was an overrelaxer of inhibitions and i am only now suffering the late induced side effects.

No 22 - Sarah Palin; no,
I don't fancy you. You're a moron.
I now suffer openly from the disorder anhedonia. Literally meaning “without” “pleasure”; it is defined as “the inability to experience pleasure from activities usually found enjoyable, e.g. hobbies, exercise, social interaction or sexual activity.”

This has finally provoked unspontaneous, ill thought out and in substantive outbursts of random unappreciation of cultural randoms that one previously found funny. It is now the outbursts that are thought funny. The more ‘punk’ the better. The pressing need to pass off poor long term observations made by other people as my own becomes increasing prescient in my present.

An random, awkward example;

·        there's a central contradiction between the 'cognitive' and the 'capitalist' bits of the cognitive capitalist set-up. On the one hand, in order to be productive, the cognitive worker needs a large degree of creative freedom, access to communications with colleagues, and a high level of education. You'd think that that would create a workforce with a greater capacity for resistance.

In order that companies and employers can properly exploit and regulate the production of these cognitive products, they need to institute an ever greater degree of control and surveillance over their workers.

CCTV, various productivity-measurement systems in the workplace and ever-more sophisticated forms of people-monitoring and data-logging mean that one way or another an employer can get an incredible amount of information about a worker, and that means that they can build up much more sophisticated statistical models and systems of 'management', in order to control our output more closely. What do you think all those consultants are for?
·        It cuts the same way with consumption. A greater degree of consumer choice is necessary and possible for various reasons now - but we are subject to much more comprehensive monitoring, to ensure that we only enjoy ourselves through consumption, and also to build up more sophisticated models of human behaviour in order to make more efficient the management of human life. Someone I know recently observed that "the government is trying to criminalise all activities which are free". Hanging out in public spaces, borrowing and sharing (esp. of music, videos and books) are viewed with suspicion or downright hostility.

·        For those that do think themselves special the way commerce and (increasingly) government say they are, go to the library. Once there, ask to see English translations of Ancient Greek drama. Oedipus Rex ought to do.

Then you might realise that, far from giving us power over our own lives, "destiny" is a thoroughly bad thing, which negates free will and free choices, changing itself in response to our wrigglings so that it STILL works its way through.

The only special thing about 99% of the fools who believe in destiny is that, almost to a man, they think it is their destiny to be rich/famous/successful/attractive, when in fact its much more likely that, in the absence of any effort from themselves, their "destiny" is to be mediocre in all respects.

But if you do take my advice, you'll find that your local library doesn't have any English translations of Greek tragedy, but where those shelves used to be there are now shiny rows of internet-enabled PCs for you to maintain your YourFaceMyArse page, and uncounted racks of DVDs to rent - most probably with Adam Sandler in them.

Rather than espouse New Years Resolutions (see title) I instead put it to you that we should just put out unnecessarily hostile lists of the things we don’t find enjoyable; here’s what I've garnered so far in 2012;

1.     Stop using LOL as punctuation. Damn it, I hate that. Saying it even worse. FFS.
Burning bin? Some twat will be standing there taking a photo of it.
3.     Admit the 80's was shit.
4.     Admit the 90’s was the coolest decade.
5.     Gf desperate to get me into running shoes and to lose the portly love paunch. I say;
"When I see a jogger with a smile on his face, I'll consider taking it up."
(Phyllis Diller)
6.     Role Models. No fucker needs a role model, especially not the gormless prancing and blithering tits that our media shits out from its tired, odious sphincter.
7.     I have resolved to continue drinking, smoking a bit, keep up the pharmo-chem imbalance and I also plan to take a modicum of LSD at a festival in September. So there.
8.     Stop saying Nom, even worse Nom Nom Nom. I don't like it when people started doing this; it apparently signals 'the food is nice'. Maybe they always did it but I never noticed. It is a horrible noise; is it onomatopoeic? I don't know I don't make happy noises like that. If I had a Gran it's the kind of noise I’d expect her to make or a small baby. Did mothers start it is that it.
9.     Oversized bows on the side of heads. Quirky! Not.
10.  Stop wearing those quilted Barbour jackets; they’re shit.
11.  I hate the Manic Pixie Dream Girl (or Boy) trope with a passion and this year the entertainment industry should just give over with it. That and 'Adorkable.' Please, desist. 'Kooky' is the new 'bubbly' and if anyone ever feels the need to describe themselves as this then sit down, have a drink and start again. Oh, and add 'fierce' to that too. Fierce is just a dishonest way of calling someone gobby.
12.  Stop designing and trying to flog us shit and expensive things that begin with i-.
What next? The i-comb? the i-kettle? The i-dildo. I-shit.
13.  You just have to hope you get lucky and find a partner to live with, or a friend (heaven forbid) or just someone who might have those conversations with you about the break-up of the former Yugoslavia on your Sunday afternoon stroll together, or force you to watch a documentary that makes you realise how bloody brilliant Margot Fonteyn was. Then and only then might your mind be truly occupied enough to stop being annoyed by all the infantine idiots around you.
14.  People who say 'Thus far...' should be punched by law by a trusted policeman (if one is available).
15.  Introduce a law making it legal to shoot every fucker watching a live gig; they have presumably paid good money to see, through a 2" screen on their phones. I'm sick of the sight of a million tiny screens at every gig. The footage is always shit, the sound is terrible and nobody is interested.
16.  I see anymore dreary, dull, boring, soporific, moribund people on guitars bracketed as indie/alternative acts I will feel like ripping my ears off with a garden strimmer and sending my earlobes to whoever run these record companies.
17.  For supposedly indie musicians to produce such dull, dreary shite in a time of strife and unhappiness I find offensive. The whole bloody lot of them make me want to throw up they’re so dull.
18.  Stop being so miserable and self centred. Twitter and Facebook make people think the world revolves around them. We're just mounds of flesh that eat, drink, shit and piss. We're nothing in the grand scheme of things. We mean jackshit. So stop moaning everytime a TV program/newspaper article/gawky spotty teenager behind a checkout doesn't do exactly what you want when you want it.
19.  Just as certain poisonous fish have evolved "warning colours" alerting predators to the toxic nature of their flesh, Danny Dyer's presence on a movie poster has become a handy visual signifier alerting cinema-goers to the potential substandard quality of the film, unless said cinema-goer is so insanely enamoured with gangsters, football hooligans and rough diamonds who swear a lot, that they'll watch literally anything in which any of these elements feature, to the point where you could paint Ronnie Kray's face on a beachball, kick it in their direction, and charge them £7.99 to stare in silent idiocy as it rolls toward them.
20.  What about empty framed, NHS style specs? But ones people spend hundreds of pounds on? I get (completely natural I feel) compulsions to smash them deep into the wearers face every time I see them.
21.  And that achingly infuriating habit some people have of adding (mis-using, to boot) words like: 'Random!', 'Awkward!', or 'Literally!' on the end of their sentences. They're usually said after a completely inflammatory and un-interesting sentence like: "The gas man called in one hour early. Awkward!"
22.  Or people that say they fancy Sarah Palin.
23.  Or the unimaginative retro and vintage crowd.
24. Put all reality shows (kardashians, towie, real housewifes etc) on a new channel called "Narcissistic Cunt Network", which turns one-third of the tv screen into a mirror so that the vapid and tedious morons who live vicariously through the vapid, tedious morons on such shows can pretend that they are actually a part of the, ahem, 'action'.
sport; it's dull and
you know it.
25.Please, for the love of human evolution, cut down on uploading videos of cats making stupid noises. Youtube is now, without a doubt, saturated with that shite.
25a. Stop watching sport. I know, I know: it's a wonderful homosocial activity and makes up for the lack of testosterone suffered by all who indulge. But watching it leads to talking about it. And talking about it makes you dull as fuck.
25b.  The worst? Being from the cast of TOWIE 'Nomming' on a cupcake while wearing vintage clothing and watching sport after filming a gig or a bin on fire. That shit is so random.

There, I feel much better now. I can feel that anhedonia passing now...

Thanks to Charlie Brooker's article on cupcakes and the comments made by others for inspiration, sorry a cheap, lazy, cut and paste article where I can't even be arsed to make up my own angry shit.