7 June 2010

a bitch about our lovers

Scouse Steve’s birthday

Last night ended up over at T’s place for a last minute social. Organised because we both had no prior arranged engagements with any one and, you know, from time to time we feel compulsed to spending some nice time with each other. 'Brokeback Mountain' and a bitch about our lovers was on the cards. T was sick of J’s over attentive, eyegazing, caressing style, 'partner reinforcement' and I’m sick of S’s needy needy mumsy vibe and confrontational attitude.

Even though she'd dumped him last week and he'd been round hers and picked his stuff up she still 'ended up' with him last Sunday afternoon after she'd went down there for D's birthday drink on the beach and came down too early and met J there and 'ended up' back at hers with him. 'Oh, he's so sweet' she was saying. 'He's hard to resist... he does nothing wrong it's just I don't want to be with him in that girlf boyf mode. I want to talk to him but he has nothing to say'. Look mate; you either are going out with him or you aren't! Naturally, she talks easily and openly with me all night long.

Watching 'Brokeback...' we’re both recognising how Jack Twist and Innis have so ‘got the connection’ and we both so thrilled at the way, despite the social restrictiveness of their culture, that they ‘just had to get it together’ no matter what the circumstances; how ‘they couldn’t stop themselves’, 'were driven', how ‘they fucking had it going big time’; ‘the spark’ shone through the hate the culture had for bisexual people.

Ah, I thought, the elusive ‘spark’ that T is always looking for. I tell you I had it for her that night. Particularly as she was showing me some of her bendy pilates exercises. For some reason! She just flexes and flirts so blatently with me all the time. She knows I love it though and probably enjoys the power she has over me? I'm going to have another crack at her at 'The Big Chill'. You can be sure of that.

We chatted away merrily all night, easily and in a relaxed manner. I loved it. So relaxed. So easy. She’s coming to the ‘stop the war’ gig on Saturday at Dane John Gardens in Canterbury. I’d love to make a move on her then but I don’t want to jeopardise the position I have as one of her ‘girlfriends’. I could blow what I have built up laboriously over the months so easily. It can be so frustrating. Perhaps that is what she loves about me. Teasing me. Knowing how I feel about her. It certainly keeps a spark going between us that's for sure. But. Do I really want to make a move on her though? Or am I just hankering after times that I thought I had but never really did? Or times that I think I could have but never will? Maybe I'm looking for 'the spark', thinking I can find it with her but I'm only deceiving myself really. I know I am. The fun lies in provoking that emotion in myself and enjoying it. I have absolutely no intention of ever going to that place ever again.

Last weekend went relatively incident free. I was bored shitless most of the time and behaving myself. That is; I was sober. At Simon and Anna's BBQ for Scouse Steve’s birthday, which he actually celebrated in London the week before, things were remarkably subdued. We were there, eating and drinking, having a laugh, settling in. He wasn’t even there till later. Entering like he was some fucking pop star, which he is, with his lovely girlfriend, Bean. I left early because I had a party to organise the next day. Food was good though; salmon parcels baked by Martin and Juliet standing out in particular. As was sitting round the fire having a chat with everyone. The night or rather morning only marked by a pissed text from Juliet at 7.30am in the morning asking for ‘more’. I awoke at 8.30am, promptly texted her back, but got no reply. Later, they said they’d fallen asleep just after they sent the text. Bless.

Saturday was Dee’s band, The Escalators, at the Horsebridge in Whitstable. Part of Bear’s Natural High evenings. Only I didn’t get to actually see the band. Paid the fiver to get in; yes. Sat on the balcony smoking a cigarette; yes. Chatted with the lovely Helene, who told me her boyf, Jules, had up and left her the other morning. Left a note and he was gone. Poor thing was so upset. See the band? No! I’d got a call off Nick Dent to say he couldn’t get the rig, we’d set up earlier at his house ready for the party later, to work. I had to abandon the gig and go up to the venue to sort the rig out. MDM had plugged the amp input into the wrong socket. Ah, well. I was here now. Pointless going back. Emily, later, said it was boiling in there anyway and she couldn’t stand even a minute of it. Other people said the band were shit. I thought they were a young, new band still finding their feet. Inexperienced. I only went because Dee herself invited me when I was at the 'Muddy Shovels' gig at the Labour Club the other week and wanted to support them.

We played house music all night long and loved every silly minute of it. Me, Mike and Mark. It was great. For us anyway. Although Si played some of his old punk 7 inches for an hour or so. Which was nice. It was best in the morning when all the piss heads and coke heads had gone home and there was just us there arsing around the fire drinking and smoking. The sun came out. Justin tried, and suceeded, to get into a little plastic child’s car. I chatted to Jenny for ages. I really enjoy her company. She’s ‘got so much loving’ in her. Scares me a bit if I’m honest. If I 'go there' am I going to be hurt? I hope so. I can handle it anyway. That date with her at the end of the month is still on anyway. So, we'll see what happens then.

Ended up staying at Nick's till well gone 10am. Ended up going down the beach with the gang after a stint at J&E’s. Sitting in the sun. When the bar opened we drank some more and smoked sneaky spliffs on the beach laughing all the way. To oblivion. It was a fantastic day...

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