26 November 2009

"You don't know life until you've fucked death in the gall bladder."*

I was well looking forward to Channel 4’s 3D week of programmes, particularly the 3D version of Flesh for Frankenstein, Morriseys 70’s sludge kitsch camp epics of awfulness and cheese from Warhol’s Factory days. All the nudity cut out no doubt. But they’ll probably leave the bit in where Ze Baron "makes love" to the entrails of his female zombie.

Flesh for Frankenstein is also notable for having the longest 3D midget-horse carriage ride in motion picture history.

Even the Queen in 3D presented an opportunity to wallow in the 3D pool of lovely warm bubbliness, as did smugfest Derren Brown’s programme “Derren Brown's 3D Magic Spectacular” presenting a plethora of magic tricks.

So my attitude was don’t believe all those 3D party poopers like Ronald Bergen in The Guardian who say “Why the second coming of 3D is overrated”. “3D will go the same way as Smell-O-Vision and Odorama, as well as extinct gimmicks dreamed up by William Castle such as Emergo, Percepto and Illusion-O.” O ye of little faith. It’s actually like an old friend coming back into your life and giving you a great big hugathon. You remember the good times; the fun; the excitement; the warm glow only true love can give you. Surely 3D on TV would not dissappoint?

Alas, it was not to be. First thing Monday morning after I got up the TV was on; Sky+ menu up and the Queen in 3D slapped on. I’d been DJing down Ribbed the week before and James had been going round with a pocket full of Sainsburys’ cardboard 3D glasses handing them out to everyone; free from any of their shops apparently. Of course we’d all been walking around with them on taking photo’s of each other on the dance floor. Multi-use 3D specs; that’s what we like to see.

One eye was orange the other blue. Pressing play I eased back into my sofa. I had a good half hour till 7.45am before I had to shower ready to go to work. Oh, what a disappointment it was. It just all looked blue! Mind you I had had an operation for a detached retina on my left eye and could hardly see out of it. Suddenly a heavy emotional silence fell over me. Would I never again be able to enjoy a 3D TV show or film? Would I never again be able to visit the wonderful IMAX in London to watch a shit James Cameron film where the pure joy of watching a 3D camera pan around the watery grave of the Titanic cannot be quantified or equated to the pleasure the brain feels in relation to what is actually on the screen; or seeing insects kill each other really close up? Wow, it’s in 3D.

I went to work that morning feeling like a blind man denied access to one of the fundamental joys of cinematic life.

So what was the best 3D moment of the week? The cozy image of cognac in a balloon glass being exploded in Courvoisier cognac’s advert. Glass splinters and cognac shoot out at viewers and then spin into a vortex that forms a cocktail sitting next to a bottle of Courvoisier Exclusif. One of the first 3D ads to air on UK terrestrial TV. Now that’s what I call groundbreaking.

Gordon! Gordon Brown! Going blind is one eye is well shit...