1 October 2009


survival methods are being employed? I guess so. i, i will survive and i'm sure you will too. i aim, long term, for something more than just survival; though at the minute i'm happy with just that. a flourishing growth of love, positivity, friendship and respect would do me the world of good right now but it's not to be. i must continue to play mind games of control and disrespect with you. i am aware of your insecurites here and must respect your choices even the one where you will not see me. fate, or my own choices, have dealt me this hand and must therefore play my cards the best i can with good grace and all the politeness i can muster. if you do not want to see me then too is fine. this lets be friends thing is merely a passing dream and can never, really, come true and regrettably i must add you to the list of women who have abandoned me.


i'm in hospital tuesday and may be back home wednesday. i don't know. depends on how it goes. it's a lonely old business being ill and scared when you've no one to 'hold your hand' and all your so called close friends are not around or drop away suddenly and don't even call or ask how you are. may just have to be this independant person i always profess i am?

everyone wants a piece of you when you're up and positive and no one wants to know when you're down dealing with the problems in your life or your mental health issues.

no-one talks to me about how i might be feeling about you and no one wants to know or support me so i don't tell them. i'm just festering at home in a sea on my-own-ness and dealing with the double whammy of illness and rejection. i had a brief chat with lin on saturday and it was the first time anyone had tried to talk to me about the split. i told her all of the above and didn't want to say more as she would report it to you and has told me that she is 'a good friend' of yours so i'm not telling her anything more. she told me you 'were sad but coping'.

i don't think this freiends thing is going to work clare. i don't want it now. you're not here for me and i don't think i want to be feeling that i really need you in my life or feeling even more upset about you abandoning our relationship and not even wanting to see me. that's what hurts the most.

i'd rather go to hospital tomorrow independant and fucking everyone of all you cunts right off. leave me alone and never contact me ever again.

Hi paul
Our respective survival methods are being employed with determination and a positive spirit?! You know I am rooting, willing, praying for a good outcome from your eye operation, and where/when ever in all aspects of your life. I will be back from 'the North' on Tuesday 29th and will make contact with you somehow.. your schedule is noted, thanks.
Best of luck paul. love clare..and M

ok. I too am throwing myself into work and play. for something that was 'the right decision' it still makes me feel bad.

I'm pretty much flat out socially this w/e (keep repeating mantra "I'm ok I'm ok" / Justin's band at red lion / mates 40th birthday party / tvc party on the beach / Sunday lunch) and am in London next week from Tuesday 29th sept anyway so will be unavailable.

I'm going to St Thomas' for my eye operation. eek! may be in there for a few days. depends what they find or what I need. I'm so worried about this. then I'm off work recuperating for as long as it takes (2-3 days?). I hate being off work sick.

hopefully, by the next weekend (2nd-4th oct), if I'm ok & can drive (& see!), I'm going to Cambridge to visit my brother who is on a 'bad one' and needs a visit;

the weekend after (10th-11th) I have DJ/party/other commitments;

So, 5th oct to 9th oct, (not Thursday) through the week(?), after work(?), I will be free between 6pm and 10pm if you can fit me in.

at work I'm working on computer exams at the mo and my 'exam window' opens that week, so I'll be v busy (i.e. tired). If that is not possible and we're both 'super busy' ;-) we'll have to try and rearrange something from the 12th oct onwards.

if I don't hear from you before I'll drop you an email on 5th oct. we'll take it from there.

big love to M & U. I miss u both & will just have to wait...>

> hi paul,
> i would like to meet up with you at some point in the not too distant,
> but am going up north for a few days - and am committed to take M to
> evening class on Friday eves. This is an experience! will tell you..
> Yes I am still feeling churned up, which is why it is good for me to
> do other stuff, for a while. I am not 'scared off'
> by your suggestions, and will contact you soon. thanks for your emails
> x
>
> --- On Thu, 24/9/09, paul anderson
> wrote:
>
> > From: paul anderson
> > Subject: to infinity and beyond
> > To: "'Clare Tindall (questionersgardentime@btinternet.com)'"
> >
> > Date: Thursday, 24 September, 2009, 9:32 AM
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >

> > Clare,
> >
> > That sounds great. I feel so much
> > better today knowing that we are in touch again.
> > I know I badly f*cked up the boyfriend part of our relationship due
> > to various selfish
> idiocies but
> > I'm determined not to f*ck up the let's be friends part.
> > I'm going to make a concerted
> > effort to learn from our mistakes and move forward
> with a
> > positive heart.
> > So, how do you want to play this?
> >
> > I thought I'd ask you what you
> > thought and felt and get you to articulate it to me
> (get me)
> > before I rashly suggested something that would scare
> you
> > off, like a night out on Friday night down the pub to
> see
> > samondi at the red lion in baddlesmere, when you might prefer a cup
> > of coffee and some cake at
> tea
> > and times on Saturday morning.
> > Regards,
> > Paul
> > Anderson
> >

thanks for the support. i need it. you been to visit your dad? there i go again getting involved in your life. i can't just extract myself from you like turning the tv off. i can't do it like you can. i can't even extract myself from the tv by turning the tv off. better get the old survival method back into touch. whatever that is? keep busy, work hard, stop crying, feeling sorry for myself, moping, daydreaming, not engaging with other things fully, withdrawing blah blah blah? whatever it takes. it's not working to well. lin said you're sad but coping. she has been the only person to talk to me about it. friends ey? who needs em? i'm finding i don't.

Clare,

That sounds great. I feel so much better today knowing that we are in touch again.
I know I badly f*cked up the boyfriend part of our relationship due to various selfish idiocies but I'm determined not to f*ck up the let's be friends part.
I'm going to make a concerted effort to learn from our mistakes and move forward with a positive heart.
So, how do you want to play this?

I thought I'd ask you what you thought and felt and get you to articulate it to me (get me) before I rashly suggested something that would scare you off, like a night out on Friday night down the pub to see samondi at the red lion in baddlesmere, when you might prefer a cup of coffee and some cake at tea and times on Saturday morning.>

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