So, this weekend me and my mate MDM were DJing at this party in London. I’d taken SJC along because she’s never been to a ‘rave’ or an all night party and saying as she doesn’t do drugs either I was wondering how she’d cope staying up all night. As well as hope she would enjoy it.
We weren’t even playing till 6.30am anyway so it was going to be a long night. Started off having some noodles at our favourite noodle bar in Northgate in Canterbury before heading of to the theatre to see Tim Vine perform. A great comedian, thick with puns, relentless and corny but very funny. After that a mate was promoting one of the acts on his record label, Big Hair, at the local Lounge Originals night in Canterfucker.
Good to see the boys perform again and to see Stevino. ‘Still plugging away’ as he said. SJC was giving it a lot of welly on the dance floor and was sinking those alcopops like nobodies business. This finished around 1am and we headed off to London for the gig. At the gig, a nice little warehouse space in E1 behind the big mosque there, SJC was straight on the dance floor again. All my friends there naturally curious about who this woman was. She fielded their questions with style. All seemingly perfect except for one thing; the ex was there all over my mate Timo – who is a right tart himself. Bad combo that me thinks; two sluts and an ex. I was furious that she even fucking turned up in the first place. Why can’t I go anywhere without her being there? She was even at Sara’s birthday bash at the comedy club at The Horsebridge on Friday night.
Anyway, did get a little talk with her later but all she said was ‘you’ve taken away my cuddle’, meaning Timo. I just got up and walked away in disgust. Am seriously thinking about having a word with both of them but I know that if I asked if they got it together they’d both deny it anyway so I’m just going to assume they did and not mention it. It’s going to affect my trust levels with Timo but then again if I let that happen then that bloody woman will cause more grief to the delicate balance of my life. I don’t want that to happen really or to let her see that her behaviour is upsetting me but I know what I’m like when I suppress; it just builds and builds and eventually comes out anyway. Why does it bother me so much?
Don’t really know what sticks in my craw about my ex girl friend. I used to think it was maybe I still had some strong feelings for her but I think it’s because I still see her around enjoying life without me and with MY friends too. We did talk about ‘after the end’ scenarios and we did say that we wouldn’t sleep with any of each others friends’. This is what angers me about Timo, bless him, I do love him dearly but he would fuck a crisp packet if it had a vagina and showed some interest in him. Enter T the crisp packet. She’s so desperate to get fucked she’ll even go on holiday and pick up a young ugly boy. She doesn't want love. She's quite a shallow person in that respect. She’s just sucking up to the Peg girls so she can get invites to the London parties. I wish she would leave me alone and get out of my life or have a decent friendship with me. That's what I want her to do.
That could be it! With all this split up malarkey we said we were going to be friends but she’s been no friend to me at all. I think that’s why I’m so upset. I think she was using this ‘lets be friends’ argument in order to secure her access to the Whitstable group without me giving her too much grief. Which she has succeeded in doing; now she’s dropped this friendship front with me and barely speaks to me now. Flirts and fucks my friends; yes. Speak to her ex; no.
Ah, a good one; to digress. Mike said he saw Richard and Rosie walk into the Fountain last week and he just got up and left straight away. You know I’m banging on about Timo fucking my ex but I fucked Richards ex and he doesn’t speak to me anymore. Rosie took his side in all this and doesn’t speak to me either; even sending me a few emails and gossiping maliciously about me down the pub. I’ve withdrawn my heart from her for now because she is too negative a thing in my life right now. I hope she’ll come round and I think she will. All Richard and Rosie have is each other and they are both a little sad in that. I heard that Richard is opening up a B&B in Norfolk. Oh well. Great friends never die they just open up B&B’s in Norfolk.
Writing this at work. One of my students hasn’t turned up for her tutorial with me. Sometimes I feel like an emotionally retarded teenager in a middle aged man’s body. Am. But not teenager; toddler. Missed a staff development meeting this morning and got a nasty message on my answer phone from Julia’s new hench woman slash enforcer Liz saying Julia said that you weren’t there at the meeting this morning. WHY? That Julia is trying any tactic going to get me to react to her but react is the last thing I’ll be doing with that woman. I cannot go to staff development meeting at this Uni with her there! I must avoid her at all costs especially confrontational meetings. I’m still owed wages from these fuckers anyway! Where is my money!?
All her ‘talents’, especially between the sheets, are exaggerated – by her – to make her seem this strong independently sexual woman. But she’s the opposite; she’s not confident, she’s insecure and frightened and all her behaviour is used to mask this from the world. I would have given everything for her. Well, maybe a year. I genuinely thought that I loved her. But I cannot go there again. I must withdraw myself emotionally from her or she will hurt me deep. I know it. She has blagged her way into this job by forging her CV references and experience (although who doesn’t?). One of the secretaries has left because of her and she’s already made one false allegation about me. She wants me out but I’m not going. Not going yet anyway. If i do go it will be in my own time and on my own terms.
So, left SJC cleaning my microwave to come to work. That woman is OCD about cleaning. It’s not right. If she just wiped her hands with tissues every 2 minutes she’d be treated but coz she cleans; that’s OK! I think it’s a control thing and women who have no control clean. Or women who are in control clean? It’s a manifestation of some deep trauma. I didn’t tell you her own mother tried to murder her did I? Hit her on the back of the head with a hammer. She sided with her ex to ‘get rid’ of her so he could have the kids. She’s still here though. Lost everything.
Had to flee. Living in a battered woman’s shelter with junkies and whores from all around Europe. And there I am, offering her support and understanding and giving her a bit of love? Am I fuck. I’m obsessing on my ex, hating my jobs, drinking and taking far too many drugs and staying up all weekend denying my true feelings. So no change there then?