28 June 2009

T18 - the vilest most despicably amoral

Well, feeling quite confused about things at the moment. Not really having anyone to talk to about it either I though I’d just go back the old running stream of consciousness and let my shit photos, but taken with love, illustrate what I have to say.

It’s not that I don’t have plenty of loving friends who would listen to me if I chose to talk to them; it’s that having someone who can be your confidante and still let you be yourself wholly. A lot to ask from friends who have their own life and inner thoughts to experience and sometimes, like at J’s birthday party, I want to talk but somehow my life and feelings are sublimated to the greater good of the coolective. I must sit and muse and observe and be alone in a crowd. Something familiar. Something comforting. In this mood though people talk to me about themselves and their lives and concerns and I love them being themselves. These people expressing themselves out loud. I genuinely feel pleasure in their pleasure and their hopes and dreams. My fears, concerns and the bits of my life that I can’t control but still hurt me must take a back seat.

The party is the mask where hurt is banished, where love is all. Fuelled, in my case anyway, by mediocrity, blandness and routine of the everyday world we must live in. The work, the bills, the blame. The loneliness.

Well. Main issues first. J, T, R; 3 women I my life who I love very much, and more dearly in a way than any other women I have known. Problems of relationships and ostracise shaped holes. These 3 women who I have relied on, craved their love, their support, desire, cuddles, all having deep issues with me that only their silence can communicate. Anger, misunderstanding or just plain can’t be fucked with my emotional life anymore. Women who I socialise with and even photograph unwilling to talk or in one case even look at me. Who can I talk to about this?

Who will understand and listen to me? Why do I want someone to do that? Why can’t I just get on with it like everyone seems to do? Why is it such a problem to me? All I can do is be strong in myself and be resolute. I still have my life to live and objectives to reach despite this hostility I feel from people I love deeply. A love I crave yet do not receive. Behaviour not tolerated. Loose words used like flagellating whips to hurt and destroy. A glare, a disapproving stare. A head filled with hate.

Thank love for the beautiful S. In my life and accepting in a way that none of my other friends are. So open. No moral judgments. A relationship? A voice in the dark.

T doesn’t seem to want friendship on my terms; only hers. A difficult friend who I’d dearly love to be closer to me but isn’t. Never was and never will be. Must be honest about that really. Emotionally void of any depth but hurt to the quick by her husband; caught sleeping in her bed with one of her friends. Not nice. Not forgivable. I was kidding myself. Or was I? She says things like I do love you you know? The exact same phrase N used to use on me when she was being unfaithful to me, her patronised cuckold. She’s not the person I thought she was. I guess I'm just learning about who she really is. I still hold out a hope; but me focusing on preserving an emotional state of mind that doesn’t really exist is something I cannot do. I still hold out hope that an understanding can be reached; that we can connect and remain connected on a deeper level than we have so far achieved. We won't though. Meanwhile i feel violated by her hate.

On R I have given up with her for now. I had to. I was being drained emotionally by her and her words of malice. Her negative energy is destroying mine, and other relationships, in her sphere. What can I do?

J, a love so strong in me; now dead. This grieves me the most as of the 3 she is my longest friend but her treatment of me is something I cannot bear any longer. Such a loving person when she wants to be; the vilest most despicably amoral person the rest of the time. She’s done this before to me, and others, but no more. Negative energy is to be avoided.

For now a respite in mediocrity with a focus on the people in my life who are positive.

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