15 June 2009

Or so my therapist said.

Yeah, it's not going that good on the women front. I seem to have pissed off or be having trouble with most of the women in my life. That's before I start on my mother abandoning me when I was 5 and being fucked up about my relationships with women ever since. 

Or so my therapist said. Maybe I want my relationships like that? To avoid intimacy. To avoid the one thing I seek? Naw, can't be that. Or can it?

Then I'm always whinging on about my job and how shit it is. yet I really do enjoy it sometimes. Not the DSU stuff at the Uni but teaching people a skill that they get a buzz out of learning. Perhaps I just want T to be 'intimate' with me again. I miss her. Not just sexual but on a friendship level like what we talked about when we split. She helped me through that more than anyone. didn't have to. But did. Now, it seems like she just wants to distance her self from as much as possible but can't because she socialises so much with my group now. I think she really just goes through the motions with me now so she can be part of my social circle and, I suppose, part of hers and not get any grief from me; which I don't give her. At all.

Perhaps I don't want to be 'intimate' with her again. Overcoming this fear I have of abandonment means I have to play out my life with this difficulty 'till it is resolved.

If she doesn't start being friendly with me again I'm going to have to re-evaluate my position there becasue there is only so much effort one can put into something whilst not getting any return before they just give up and give up the ghost. if I continue to see her out in my cirlce and i'm getting the blank or the minimum 'hiya' like I always do then, then blanksville thereon in i'm going to have to avoid her like the plague. She's sending a deliberate message to me that she doesn't care how I feel anymore and is therefore not liable to socialise with me. Why do I overanalyse? Do I? I just think what I do is normal behaviour. Reading through other peoples weblogs I know there are other people out there who constantly talk about their inner life / outer life dichotomy.

So decided to try and clear the air with T.

I'm getting sick of this increasingly fetid air between us and it's starting to ruin my social life and i can't let that happen. Can I? so we begin post Peg / London weekend where i think her and my mate T got off with each other....

She sent me this email;-
Great weekend eh? Glad I didn’t have to go to work today though. Tx

Hi, Yeah, great weekend. Good little party. Very busy. Just how I like it. You got home ok then? Good to see you. Shame that our relationship feels likes it is so awkward and is relegated down to ‘nodding acquaintances’ (makes me feel v. sad it does) and we don’t talk or socialise as much as we promised each other we would. Still…Take care. Life moves on. No doubt I’ll see you around and about… I’ll keep the jokes coming on a Monday though! Don’t want to lose touch with you completely… Oz x

Yeah, lounged with Jane and Zoe till Sunday afternoon (they’re such lovely hosts) then got the train back. Only made it as far as the Neptune for the early evening gig, which was a great end to the weekend. Bit of a major session for me. Still a bit spaced today. I do love it though. The last few times I’ve seen you I did think you seemed a bit uncomfortable. Maybe you were a bit worried about Sarah…? I don’t know. But there’s really no need. It was fine wasn’t it? Whether it’s the same girl or another it’ll be fine next time too I’m sure. Thought I remembered you giving me a flyer and saying something about this coming Friday. Haven’t got it now or did I imagine it?
Tort x J&Z are great hosts aren’t they?

Have spent many a post drugged up w/e in their company over the years… Yeah, things are fine. But could be better. I do have a few concerns though. Nothing to do with Sarah:- Felt extremely uneasy because we didn’t (don’t?) talk, I think. Or don’t seem to anymore. Have we lost something there? I see you out; you ignore me! I get upset. Not nice. Especially if we are in a group. Or so it feels. Makes me very uncomfortable when you’re there and don’t interact with me as you do with others (like Sara’s b/day). I’m new to this ‘let’s be friends thing’ as you know! Makes me think things aren’t working out for us as we’d planned or arranged or agreed. Maybe worried about you withdrawing from me even further and how I might cope with that potential feeling of loss. It’s soo important to me that we get on, that things are good and positive and that there’s no bad feeling between us. Especially if we’re to continue socialising with each other. If we didn’t socialise together within the Whitstable group it wouldn’t matter so much. But we do; so it does. Torn between wanting to give you the space you want and wanting to be your friend but not being allowed to be; or it feeling one sided from me to you all the time. I genuinely pick up from you vibes that you don’t like me. How are things going to be at gatherings in the future? At gigs/parties/meals out? At the big chill? In France? How could I live with more of that uneasiness? I couldn’t. It would ruin my little life I’ve built up. Just working through and jotting down feelings here; nothing concrete. It’s how I feel though. I’m being honest here. What do you think? You must have noticed the dynamic has changed? Oz x