30 May 2009

the cream that is prescribed

Now then,
Louie and Josephine are about to have a baby. Louie is playing the proud father to be with great aplomb. Scoring loads of his favourite and disappearing all weekend. Nah – not really. Well, once in a while. Maybe. 



Josephine is madly pregnant and insists on working all hours in the café, between bouts on tears. Nero says it’s driving her mad. What with Josephine, her mum, Jo and Jeanie all talking about babies ALL the time…

Nero’s face got splashed with fat from the frying pan at work and she’s now walking around with these massive scabs on her face where the blister has healed and she’s plucked the scabs off.

Out and about in Whitstable on our night off last Saturday. The first Saturday for five weeks where I haven’t had to put up with organising a party and the great bugbear of the sound system scene, humping gear around. I could go out later and come home earlier; if I wanted to.

Luxury.

First stop, after a nice Spanish omelette and salad with a bottle of red, the offy to stock up on flavoured vodka, real lemonade, fags, lighter nuts and crisps. Then off round Steve and Emily’s for some hip-hop greenery and a few cocktails. Obviously after we arrived we went nowhere else. (Later we’d got an answer phone message from Julia, round at Rosie’s for a meal, ‘come on round for a smoke’. We politely ignored the message after ringing up and saying we’d be right round; before having an early night.)

Obviously a little livened and after playing with Steve’s mini table football and racing the clockwork snails for a while the chess board came out and a game between Steve and his mate Raj began. Nero and Ems talking manically between the boys about the cream that is prescribed to pregnant women that goes on the area between the anus and vagina. What is that area called? Nero was talking to Jeanie at work and, when she had had her baby, hadn’t ’used’ the cream and regretted it later. Josephine of course who also hasn’t used her cream was hastily advised by Jeanie to get a move on and start using! ‘Emily’ says Nero, ‘Did you use your cream when you were pregnant?’ ‘I did but I don’t think it made any difference. I still split like a watermelon.’ The boys face remains impassive as they concentrate on their game too wazzed to reply. Found out Raj is a horologist, he makes watches, for a living. Works for Rolex and wears a 3,600 pound watch which looks quite cool but; (shouts) three thousand six hundred fucking pounds? But then again everyone likes a good watch. Don’t they?

Which reminds me of another Whitstable story. Steve and the his mates Del, Matt the Scratcher and Matt’s driver ‘Gopher’ have got a little crew together and call themselves Subway Sounds and they have started playing regularly done at the Sardine, sorry, the Fountain. It’s all nip round to Dells for a quick one then back round the pub and letting it rip. This had been going on most of the evening and as the punters were getting more lashed up the boys were giving it a bit more welly and everything was going well. Then Nero, who had been quite ill with food poisoning and had been groaning all night and hadn’t drank anything and was a little wary of the pub coz Fat Geordie Tracey had punched her five times in the face last time she was in here and was now standing at the other end of the pub glowering at Nero all pregnant like, came up beside me. Probably to say lets go home now. Instead she rested her foot on a plug coming out of the wall and all the sound and lights went off in the pub. Everyone was ‘way-hey’ing like mad and ‘sort it out’ and all the usual shouts were breaking out. Nero didn’t even realise it was her that had done it. It took a couple of minutes to realise it was the plug and poor Nero nearly fainted with embarrassment. We later heard a rumour that was going round that tVC had come to the gig and ‘sabotaged’ it. Coz they were jealous.

Another reputation richly deserved.

Late April and the Fountain has burnt down! An electrical fault behind the till. There’s a gig in support of the pub at Tea and Times on sat april 27th. It’s a fiver to get. Will let you know what happens if I can blag the guest list of Steve subway.

Oh yeah, caught your 8 pager when I was round steve and ems the other night. Giid to see you coping well considering the circumstances. Your mention of Ed reminded me that I saw him in London the other week at the KAT and Digs&Woosh gig at Jax. He wasn’t talking about you but Nero and Emily were getting a few digs in about his ’bought’ bride and ‘what about our stevie’. The baby is due soon.

Good to here that Barn came for a visit. He’s back in the UK now. Saw him as he walked past the harbour street café the other day with Ria. He looked well paranoid. So no change there then! Good to here that you’d had a few visits from people though.

Here is a message from someone who responded to the ‘write to Steve plea’ on our website:


Date: Sun, 3 Feb 17:51:20 -0800 (PST)
From: jim howard
Subject: pass this onto steve for me please
To: tvc@www.com
keep your spirit as high as you can in this bad time. i hope things get sorted as quick as possible. i don't know who you are, but i heard about what has happened. i always check out the tvc website - me and my buddy usually cycle out there in those warm summer nights for some deep house. we are thinking of you mate, as im sure a hell of a lot of other people are. good luck, i was over in thailand last year, i went to suratthani, and on to koh phagnan- where i guess your troubles started. youll be ok man.
takecare,jimcanterburyufo@yahoo.com
Nero turned the TV chef Jamie Oliver’s tongue yellow when she prepared a meal ordered by his publicists who were meeting him at their house in Whitstable. She did Moroccan harrira soup which is flavoured with turmeric. He said the soup was ‘pukka’ as he helped himself to several portions.

Timo becomes a fully fledged worker as he is now an earning quantity surveyor. What with a nice new house in Dover, with mortgage to match, and a nearly brand new VW Passat to him name, he’s laughing.Time for a little holiday. A snowboarding holiday in the French Alps. How to get there? Why, drive of course, in the Passat. What with Jes, Laurie and Adam in to fill the seats and to party on down with once they got there, what could possibly go wrong?

It’s a long drive to the resort and after several piss stops too many the lads soon tire of jumping into verges and dodging behind bushes. After one such rushed stop the lads are driving along quite happy when Timo starts sniffing the air. ‘OK, who’s stepped in some shit?’ says our man. Everyone checks their shoes and it’s Laurie who sheepishly admits the offence. Not only is it on his shoe it’s on the side on his trousers, the floor of Timo’s new car, the seat where Laurie was sitting and the back of the seat of the front passenger. So they stop. And clean up. Timo ain’t too pleased, but hey, says nothing. Thing’s like that happen. Let’s get on with the journey.


Who wants some chocolate? Me, says Laurie and gets a big chunk of toblerone which he sticks down between his legs (doh!) where it promptly melts all over his trousers, timos back seat, the floor. Timo decides to go ballistic. Chill out maan! Says Laurie. I suppose it’s my fault now, says timo.

Louie and Josephine have had there baby – Eva is the initial name they have chosen. I get Louie coming round mine quite a bit as he gets away from Josie and the baby.

Ta ta for now Steve, Keep your pecker up and I’ll write to you again next week!! Hope you got the tape I enclosed? Oz

28 May 2009

Death Throws

Paul, Please don't worry, I am fine and promise to keep in touch. I hate libraries, they always make you want to crap. 


Give the girls a lovely fluffy stroke and tell muff she's very brave for not being scared of the trains. I bet Josephine is pleased to be shot of the cafe! Oh, my hair cut was shit, thank fuck it's grown a bit, shall have to go on the salon....Speak again soon. XXX


Nick,
happy new year etc.
Hope you are well. Bit worried about you as i haven't heard a peep out of you for a while. get wit da programme girl... hee hee
Paul
Nick Wilson wrote:
Friend, hello, sorry i've been so long in replying, but i haven't found it easy to get to the library lately. I don't want to lose touch with you and i won't. it is still very raw at the moment and the stuff you said about Russ i completely agree with. But it is like a death that we have expereienced, and when i came back it was like appearing at my own funeral, a very starange experience. And also i would have experienced it differently to you, as i did feel a genuine shock at how many people dislike me, or aspects of me, or what i did. i think everyone is slightly
pissed off with me though as i left you all. Still in the scheme of things as you say a year is a very short space in time, and it will not always be as raw or as upsetting as it is now. I truely did love you though for a very long time, and I will always have an ache in my heart for it all really. I think of you every day, as you say it can just spring out of the blue, but you are always there, and the best thing is i only think of the good stuff, i always re4meber the good stuff we had and the fun and love that was there for a very long time. If you don't hear from me too regularly don't worry it's jsut i haven'y been to the library, not cos I'm doing it all again. I too was aware of the awful, dreadful irony of doing exactly the
same thing nerarly a year to the day later. i am pleased you took the plants with you to your new house though. Are you settling in all right.


Don't let all them drunken bastards come round and wreck it though, will you? Where are the photos of the house when we moved in? Have you got them or shall I look for them, as that shows the state of the garden whem we moved in so there is no way they can charge us to get it back to that state. Anyway I haven't had time to check the spellings on this as i am off to the hairdressers, to wait for it, have my hair cut!! i might even go for a different style. So hope you are well and the cats aren't puking everywhere, at least puke is better that shit, or is it, or is it the
same thing? Anyway hang on in there, stay cool and positive, carry on playing the computer game, and I'll speak to you soon. N xxx


paul tvc wrote:
Wilso,
Yeah, Angela Hirst are piss ripping to the extreme. I am not paying one fucking penny to the fucking fuckers. So there!
What? Thinking about a career? Well done you! You gotta do something to pay the bills now I’m not around. ha! The thing about a career is that if you do something you love for money it is never the same again is it? Use your degree and get a job Nick. Your suggestions are far better than factory work aren’t they? Social work is a very worthy profession and just think of all those waifs and strays you could help. And get paid for it! I’m sure if you went to their website they’d tell you more about the job, grants etc… I’m glad you are not drinking. You did see through the alcohol lie but chose not to act on it. Think of the positive effect the split has had on you not the negative (leave that to me…) don’t let glib comments from people undermine your new confidence. Perhaps your anger was the thing fuelling the drink?


Thank you for getting back in touch with me anyway. I know I don't deserve it the way I said them inappropriate things when you came round to do the plants (I took all the ones you'd brought round anyway!). I’ll understand if you want to sever things and not bother 'being friends' or being involved in my life again. We were both so horrid to each other for years (me to you particularly) what difference does another horrid moment make in the grand scheme of all beautiful things? Mainly though the horrid moments were -are- about concealing emotions and not showing vulnerability or weakness. After that moving day, one of my worst days ever, I have never felt so rotten in my life for so long. I was coming, reluctantly, round to the fact that you were never going to talk to me again and I didn't blame you. Not one bit. You don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to. I’m not a very good human being at the moment, I know that now, and my social inadequacy and insecurity and
vanity and pride is always getting me into trouble with people. I have never really had anything and feel I never really deserved anything; especially a woman who loves me, especially a woman who respects me; especially someone who wants to spend time with me. No. why would they want to? I don't deserve too have that. I’m still sometimes that needy little boy frightened of pain cowering in the corner hoping that they won't hit me again.


I was really hurt by your comments (repeat mantra: “she will never hurt you again, don’t allow her to hurt you again, she will never hurt you again, don’t allow her to hurt you again”) about blowing me out, not talking, emailing etc. it was like you’d ‘groomed’ me back into your life by being “nice” then done exactly what you'd did before and just dumped me. Again. Ooh, I was so hurt by that. Now, you're back again! Being “nice” again. You are not going to do the same again are you? Even if I say inappropriate things? You can’t blow out everyone who says the wrong things to you can you? Please don’t do it nick. I haven’t talked to anyone at all about your behaviour, either recently or when you left, so I don’t know what you mean when you say “the intense scrutiny and interest in what we are doing, how we are doing it, from other people” What do you mean by that? Who has said this to you? And why? I think they may be winding you up or being deliberately cruel to you and fucking with your brain Nick. Whoever it is they do not have your best interests at heart. When you say: no one else sticking their oar in and saying we shouldn't be allowed to get on, and I have felt that a lot from people. I also feel that they don't like the fact that we're not playing the game really, as they want us to go round slagging each other off, setting up rival courts.


I beg to differ with you. Not one single person I have talked to, not one, who knew us both has ever said anything like that to me. You have the wrong source of information on this and you must tell them to stop spreading malicious gossip (i.e. gossip that is hurtful and untrue). I have not at all seen: enjoyment in peoples eyes at the destruction of it all. In fact it’s the opposite; there is understanding, sympathy and genuine sorrow in some peoples response to what has happened. No one has judged you, maligned you slagged you off or said one bad word about you.
To me anyway.
I was always very worried about your destructive over the top drinking ‘habit’. I think you used to use it as an excuse to say and do outrageous things and upset lots of people and your excuse would always be ‘I don’t remember’. A classic. Also being drunk all weekend (and when you were at ‘the allotment’) and not saying one word to me during the week (or even the weekend!) was, I think, one of the final straws for me that decided I didn’t really love you any more. It really, really pleases me that you are finally addressing the issue and have finally got a lid on it.


Just a shame you never did it when you were with me. Still maybe it took something traumatic like what you did to wake you up. I appreciate now how bad we were for each other and how drowning yourself in alcohol to hide the hideousness of living with some you didn't love must have seemed the only survival tactic you could employ. Or a fucking great excuse to drink and behave even more hideously than you already had. But it was both encouraging and destructing for your personality. And the more you destructed the more I, quite frankly, hated your behaviour. Implosion was inevitable.


You are now, I hope, one of my (e)mail pen pals that I will enjoy writing to and talking to and communicating with. The others I see now again but I think it would be best if we didn’t see each other in the flesh for a little while. It is still to hurtful for me to see you at the moment. I am only just this week beginning to feel a little return to normality. I have a new routine, new attitude, new friends even. A split like what we had is a great excuse to reinvent yourself. All my old pals are still there and I still do really fancy a party with them now and then. So I do. Most of the time I spend alone. Still unloved but feeling so much better for not living with you anymore. Maybe it took you ‘leaving’ to realise these things in yourself that you now talk about so openly to me but never, ever talked about when we were supposed to be intimate. I still think you thought only of yourself. I still wish you’d talked about your feelings to me or the therapist and you know they would have helped us split up ‘properly’ without all this destruction that we now have to recover from first; then pick up the pieces; then put them back together; then get our lives in order again; then begin to think about moving forward into the future. We could have cut down this whole year to, oh I don’t know, maybe six months? Still what is done is done. I will never put myself or anyone else through the trauma of what we put each other through.


Ever. Still. No regrets (he says rereading all the regrets above!). We’ve gone through the worst now haven’t we?
There’s not much to report this month as I haven't gone out anywhere, seen anyone or done anything. I don't even cook any more (well I do, a bit, when I’m in a good mood, or nor exhausted from working) and just live on (nice) convenience food and TV dinners from sainsburys whilst vegging out in front of the TV. I am thinking about having a dinner party soon though. At least I’m losing weight, not drinking (too much) or taking drugs. Once in a while I’m so miserable sometimes I feel like a zombie. Maybe that’s my natural calling. I sometimes just sit in my chair,on my own, crying like the big baby I am. Wracked with guilt and fear and regret (so no change there then?) I blame myself for everything that has ever gone wrong and keep thinking I could have, should have, done things differently or if I had handled things in another way then everything would have been OK. of course that’s not true and I know it's not true but my mind, sometimes, it travels back in time and I sometimes see a shadowy angry version of myself in a hotel room in Portugal with a leather jacket in my hand thinking to myself if I swing this jacket and it makes contact with her then you do know that is the end of everything you want? But time travel or not I swing it anyway and I see you are frightened by that and the same feelings of guilt and loss I felt at that moment are recreated in my head for me to suffer over and over again. Now I truly know what hell is. There’s more. Insecurity, need, fear; I live and have lived with these emotions every day of my violent and shitty and poverty ridden life. Of emotional growth stunted by a culture of violence and bullying macho posturing and of no love and no one there, especially when I was a small child, putting their tender arms around me and telling me things are going to be OK and that they love me. Of a life of friction and fighting and hiding my real self in drink and drugs to blot the reality of a nothing life lived in a nothing place for a nothing purpose. Of constant tears hidden from everyone, of a need to be loved so strong I shake with emotion yet here I sit, alone, just as it always will be from now till death, regretting, punishing, time travelling...


Then again, wake up calls; given like fish slaps, cartoon gestures in a ren & stimpy world; being pushed into a large deep tank of very cold very black water; the shock, the shiver, the breathing in of liquid, falling but never hitting bottom; the need for survival, the kick of the foot, the slow travel upwards towards the light, towards the air; the breaking of the surface, that first deep breathe of life, oxygen and survival.


Has someone been saying something to you? Don't kid yourself. You aren’t front page news you're yesterdays chip paper. As I am. I, along, with everyone else who ever knew you and loved you and cared for you and still do care for you feel incredibly let down by your attitude towards your 'friendship' with us. You gotta do what you gotta do though. Dumping us all like that must have been a very hard decision to make but the splash that caused is only just beginning to subside. Is that what you are talking about in your email? No one talks to me about you any more. They never did anyway. Penny said ‘oh, I haven’t written to her for a while’ when I asked the other week. I always have stories to regale about you; oh I remember when me and nick did this or that. It just shows how transient and fickle human relationships are.


Life is for living not regretting. Life is in the present not the past. I was very pissed off with you too; for saying you want friendship but it sometimes appears you don't really. Who knows what you want? You’re confused. Like we all are. I think you say you want friendship to help make me and you feel a bit better about what happened but I feel you do really want it. You kid yourself. You kid me. I don't think so.


Good luck in your new life. I truly wish you happiness and contentment and I would love you to tell me about it and all your new adventures and challenges, via email or whatever. You never had that whilst with me at the end but you may find it, if that’s what you seek, in Wales or wherever you choose to live. Who knows? It’s exciting! Look forward to it! Wherever you live and whoever you choose to spend your time with you will always be you. The unknown future is always the most interesting aspect of life isn't it? Especially when the future is new and challenging. I do hope you keep in touch with me as to blow me out completely would be a dreadful mistake that you may regret the rest of your life. Remember we have another 50 years of life left which is an awfully long time to live and regret. You never know when you may need a friend. But, if you do think 'severance’* is the right thing to do then so be it... I do hope you still care about me as I do still love you very
much. The balls in your court nick. As it has always been…
Paul.


Ps. I spent some time with Justine and Emily at the weekend and me and just got round to talking about Russell moat and how we really miss him now he's gone and how sad it was that things ended the way they did for him. Just said he had no pictures of russ and I said I still have a few and would sort him one out. I subsequently, had a quick rake through a few of our old albums and eventually found a picture of Russell and, looking at him sitting there, smiling, I thought of some things I would say to him if he were still alive and thought about how things are when people suddenly leave you and what they leave behind. There I go; regretting again...


Pps whether you choose to remain in contact with me or not I will always send you a monthly update of my life and things that happen. Bye for now. Oh, the cats are fine. Bloody things. Puking, pissing and shitting all over my new carpet (and bed yesterday!!! God, you should have seen them run. It was the first time I’d shouted for a year!) You can visit us any time you want. You know we always have a space for you in our hearts and home, and you are welcome to visit any time you want (if you do). Remember we ARE friends… and that’s what friends do. Visit each other.


Ppps
You are always, and will always be, in my thoughts every day until the day I die. You will probably be the last thought I ever think the moment I die! Sometimes I wake, even go to work and come back and fix my tea, and don’t think of you at all. But at some point during the day a little thought always creeps in and it always says ‘I wonder what nick is doing/thinking now? I wonder what she’d say about that? How would she'd handle that comment? Where is she now? Is she smiling? Or crying? Is she outdoors with the wind in her hair where she loves to be; her ruddy cheeks and her welly boots? Has she had her hair cut yet? It also always says: never forget what she meant to you; never forget the gates she opened in your heart; never forget the joy and love she brought into your life; never forget your love for her. And I always reply back to this little voice; I won’t.
* I have a computer game called severance. In it you chop your opponent into small pieces; generating much blood… hmmm! Talk to you next month...Nick


Wilson wrote:


Oh god, they're taking the piss aren't they? What are they doing are they being heavy about it? Shit. And they kept the deposit as well?


Thanks for your email, it is really nice to back in touch with you. I can't not keep in touch, I have tried and it just makes me feel even worse.


Like you I feel caught between it all, but I don't feel anger towards you, or hate, or anger, just very sad at the destruction of it all, and firm in the knowlege that I never want to lose touch with you. I know it's a wierd thing to say, but in a way I feel closer to you over the last year than towards the end. I think of you every day, many times a day, in fact you are never far from my thoughts, and they are always fond ones. I too look at my past and especially my fuck ups and I too feel angry at myself.. I do feel that perhaps in the scheme of things that a year is very close to it all happening, and that maybe it will take a bit of time to get to a more comfortable place with eachother. I do feel that our post relationship has not really been helped by all the intense scrutiny and interest in what we are doing, how we are doing it, from other people. I feel closest to you when we get our email thread going again, as then it is just me and you with no one else sticking their oar in and saying we shouldn't be allowed to get on, and I have felt that a lot from people. I also feel that they don't like the fact that we're not playing the game really, as they want us to go round slagging each other off, setting up rival courts, like Chas and Di and dishing all the juicy details of what went on in the relationship. 


Well they've got a long wait. I have been quite shocked at the level of enjoyment in peoples eyes at the destruction of it all, but the best thing is to have seen you doing so well, and I am very proud of you and happy for you. I popped briefly round Rosie's last night to drop her off 15 quid I borrowed months ago, and she was saying how lovely your house is and how well you've done there.


She also said the girls were slowly getting used to the trains but they'd already settled in. I am glad, as I know you were really worried about the move's effect on them. Yes I am in a bit of a mish mash at the moment. I'm thinking of maybe going to agricultural college to do some sort of gardening thing, or I saw an advert in the paper appealing for people to go to college and retrain as social workers with bursaries awarded for grants, but I didn't really think about it until later and by then I'd lost the advert. But that could be a good career for me, what with my fatal fetish for severe emotional fuck ups.... Anyway, the best thing is that I am still not drinking, and I feel really, really good about that. All I can describe it as like, really, is seeing the light, and it has taken on an almost quasi-religious significance to me. 


I only wish that I had seen through the lie of alcohol sooner, rather than living my life under it's filthy lure for the past two decades. Every day I rebuild my confidence in small ways, and am finding it easier to talk to people and deal with them, without being drunk. So out of all this mess something positive has happened...Anyway, thank you Paul for being there, and stay strong and cool, and I'll stay in touch, I promise. And know that every day I think of you a thousand times, N xxx


paul tvc wrote:
hi nick,
i'm ever so glad you decided to get back in touch. How's things with you? you seem a bit unsettled at the moment don't you? what with the kent/wales/kent/wales yo yo vibe and factory work/field work/gardening work. don't worry; things are bound to settle down at some time. i'm sure and you'll find somewhere/something that'll feel right for you and you'll put down some new roots again somewhere and begin to feel part of something again. you need to do this. i know. wales and mummys may or may not be the place to do this. perhaps you still need some breathing space to sort your head out. i don't know. you were always a tough one to figure out what was going on inside you emotionally. life relentlessly grinds on though doesn't it?


And you're right t never gets any easier. i'm a bit like you in the way in that all this 'stuff' has deeply unsettled me to and i have the dicotomy of really wanting to hang onto you in some way and wanting to blow all the past away and start anew. be angry with you and fuck you off. but i can't coz i don't feel that way. i see you and see my past mistakes and feel angry with myself for feeling that etc blah blah i won't burden you with all that psychological crap...if blowing me out is what you want then i'm fine with that. i only want you to be happy in yourself. all this talk of keeping iin touch and being 'friends' may have been said as a survival mechanism, a fear of hurting further, or of not wanting to prolong hurt, or maybe just as an escape clause of sorts. i don't know. just let me know that you're ok now and then or what you think or want and i'll endeavour to respect that. OK? i'll still send you a monthly 'bullitin' at the beginning of every month whether you choose to contact me or not. if you do not want this then, hey, i'll be fine about it. honest.
love,
paul


ps. angela hirst and the landlord have said they want, get this, £3425 of me for marine crescent. can you believe it? here's one example: redecoration of entire property; walls £900, ceilings £500., woodwork £1000. clean and tidy garden £280. somehow, i don't think so...


Nick Wilson wrote:
Hi Paul, I'm sorry not to have got in touch for so long, but I just couldn't handle it really. I should have realised that you were covering your feelings up, and realised that you were feeling as wierd and upset about everything as I was, but I just reacted to what you said, took it personally and couldn't handle it, so left. Then that made it easier to just leave it for a while, as every time I see you you seem more and more pissed off with me, and I thought it would be best to just sever it. Actually I was very pissed off with you and thought fuck everything and
wasn't going to get back in touch to let you not have to hear about me, or see me getting on with my new life. But just reading your emails have made me cry and so I've just got back in touch to say I hope everything is going ok for you, and I really never meant to cause you so much hurt or shit. I will always love and care about you, and remember happily the times we had. It still doesn't get much easier, does it? Still it's a long time to try and undo. I'm pleased you got your lecturers job, well done. It must be a bit better teaching people who are more into it?


I have only just finished work, so haven't been along to the library at all since the last email I sent, so I'm a bit rusty with it all. It's sad Josephine is selling the cafe, but it's probably for the best, she'll at least have some time. I'm off up to Wales again. I can't hack it round here with all the being the front page news all the time, plus I need to find work anyway. I will still keep in touch, but I feel it will probably be better if I'm not around. Hopefully people will find something else to disscuss with me not here. I'm sorry I didn't move the plants for you, I was really upset about that as I said I would, and I really didn't want to let you down again, but again I did, didn't I, the story of our life together.


So sorry to do the disappearing act. I'm ok, I'm very sorry to have worried you and upset you. I hope the girls have settled in all right, and you as well. And most of all I hope that you are all right. I love and miss you. Be good to yourself. Speak soon N xxx


paul tvc wrote:
hi nick,
here's my monthly report:
-settling into new place. it's well wierd and i'm still not used to the new regime yet; cats still scared of the trains going past but they'll get used to it. i hope. totty was puking a lot but i've reduced her portions, wormed them and i hope that's enough to sort the problem out.
-5 weeks into my lecturers job at cant coll. things going well. i'm winging it and learning flash along with my learners. real busy working to do much socialising. have a beer with val the odd friday after work but that's about it. haven't had a night out in ages. been to the pictures a few
times though; saw a japanese horror film and a spanish 'hitchcock meets monty python' wierd one recently. how about you? you still like film?
-still not found anyone to share bills. room still empty. dave may be coming back in january but who knows. i aint been asking around that hard so i should get my self in gear.
-josephine closes the HSC on 15th nov. it's been bought by 'deli dave' and he's turning it into a tapas bar. yawn... she is having a farewell party though if yo fancy coming?
-haven't done any tVC things for a while, except the pub. am having a break from all that for a while.
-haven't heard from you for while. i hope you are well. you said you were working real hard so i presume you haven't had time to reply to your
emails. you go for it girl...
-scouse got news that he can finish his sentance off in the UK. he's well chuffed about that and it will happen early next year.
-well, that's about it. hope to hear from you soon. if not, well, you take care of yourself and i'll send you an email next month...
love,
Paul

27 May 2009

well, that's about it


Hi Paul, I'm sorry not to have got in touch for so long, but I just couldn't handle it really. I should have realised that you were covering your feelings up, and realised that you were feeling as wierd and upset about everything as I was, but I just reacted to what you said, took it personally and couldn't handle it, so left. 


Then that made it easier to just leave it for a while, as every time I see you you seem more and more pissed off with me, and I thought it would be best to just sever it. 


Actually I was very pissed off with you and thought fuck everything and wasn't going to get back in touch to let you not have to hear about me, or see me getting on with my new life. But just reading your emails have made me cry and so I've just got back in touch to say I hope everything is going ok for you, and I really never meant to cause you so much hurt or shit. I will always love and care about you, and remember happily the times we had. It still doesn't get much easier, does it? Still it's a long time to try and undo. I'm pleased you got your lecturers job, well done. It must be a bit better teaching people who are more into it?

I have only just finished work, so haven't been along to the library at all since the last email I sent, so I'm a bit rusty with it all. It's sad Josephine is selling the cafe, but it's probably for the best, she'll at least have some time. I'm off up to Wales again. I can't hack it round here with all the being the front page news all the time, plus I need to find work anyway. I will still keep in touch, but I feel it will probably be better if I'm not around. Hopefully people will find something else to disscuss with me not here. I'm sorry I didn't move the plants for you, I was really upset about that as I said I would, and I really didn't want to let you down again, but again I did, didn't I, the story of our life together.

So sorry to do the disappearing act. I'm ok, I'm very sorry to have worried you and upset you. I hope the girls have settled in all right, and you as well. And most of all I hope that you are all right. I love and miss you. Be good to yourself. Speak soon N xxx

oz tvc wrote:


hi Nero,
here's my monthly report:
-settling into new place. it's well wierd and i'm still not used to the new regime yet; cats still scared of the trains going past but they'll get used to it. i hope. totty was puking a lot but i've reduced her portions, wormed them and i hope that's enough to sort the problem out.

-5 weeks into my lecturers job at cant coll. things going well. i'm winging it and learning flash along with my learners. real busy working to do much socialising. have a beer with val the odd friday after work but that's about it. haven't had a night out in ages. been to the pictures a few times though; saw a japanese horror film and a spanish 'hitchcock meets monty python' wierd one recently. how about you? you still like film?

-still not found anyone to share bills. room still empty. dave may be coming back in january but who knows. i aint been asking around that hard
so i should get my self in gear.

-josephine closes the HSC on 15th nov. it's been bought by 'deli dave' and he's turning it into a tapas bar. yawn... she is having a farewell party though if yo fancy coming?

-haven't done any tVC things for a while, except the pub. am having a break from all that for a while.

-haven't heard from you for while. i hope you are well. you said you were working real hard so i presume you haven't had time to reply to your
emails. you go for it girl...

-scouse got news that he can finish his sentance off in the UK. he's well chuffed about that and it will happen early next year.

-well, that's about it. hope to hear from you soon. if not, well, you take care of yourself and i'll send you an email next month...

love,
Oz

26 May 2009

sneak round the back and get in for free

Now then. How’s Steve today? Hope you’re feeling OK. Whatever happens Steve you’re a survivor and I know you’ll get through this, come out at the other end, and be a stronger person for it. I know it’s a cliché but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. It’s that scouse gene! It’ll survive everything!

Talking to people out and about there is a lot of support for you from your friends and even club acquaintances. Everyone is on your side and sees the injustice you must bear. There are greetings from the DJ’s Jes and Timo, Shaun, Rosie and Richie, Polly and Sarah, the Fav gals, Margate John and Jane, Gary and Shelly and countless others. Everyone knows of your plight and I thought I’d put something (i.e. your address) on the tVC website to encourage more people to write to you. I hope it works.

Anyway, to continue from letter 02 here’s a few reply’s from the message board about Neroy getting beat by bouncers at TA’s Clublife. Nero and me were remembering TA’s parties up on the hill in that fuck off detached house in Bredhurst. About how we used to sneak round the back and get in for free and, later on in the morning, ‘take over,’ as they said, and stay there all day getting wasted and about how she banned us from these parties and didn’t speak to us for years and Chris Stone wrote an article in the Guardian on one of her ‘soulless’ powder parties which we reprinted in Tangentopoli and she thought we’d wrote it and didn’t speak to us even more. We kept telling her it was in the Guardian and 400,000 people had read it.


Anyway, here’s the message board regarding naughty punchy bouncers……… Becky- I have been going to Clublife since it opened and have never had a problem, with security or the bar staff. Even when I worked on the door one night I found them to be both professional and courteous. Don’t really see what your problem is.... unless of course you were causing trouble. Then of course they were only doing what they are paid for. NYE was one of the best nights that I have had there. It is somewhere I recommend that all fellow clubbers go, at least once in their lifetime! Just to follow up on that , would like to know how you feel about the first aid nurse being held in a head lock by a young idiot. While attempting to calm him down?! The bouncers did a grand job! That nurse by the way was me.

Paul in reply- Listen Becky, I can appreciate what you are saying. I'm 41 years old and have been clubbing in form or another all around the UK since I was 17 and I have never seen a bouncer behave so irresponsibly in my life; and that is attending and promoting house parties from Newcastle to Bristol and London. I'm no exaggerator. I have witnessed bad bouncer behaviour and I know they can be sometimes a bit over the top. It is after all a very stressful job. I agree with what you say about the professionalism of the Clublife door staff. I always thought of them as firm but fair and had never seen them behave in so unrestrained a manner before NYE. The sad truth is that despite all their previous good marks on NYE they behaved abominably towards those two women in front of a dozen witnesses. The women were not physically violent in any way towards anyone and the aggression Bobby displayed was totally unwarranted. Charges are being brought against the security staff and I hope the Law can sort out this matter properly (I very much doubt it though). I too have been to Clublife a lot and had some terrific nights out and met some great new people (including members of staff) and have never had a problem with any security or any of the bar staff ever. Till NYE. I have also worked with TA and Johnny on and off for nearly 10 years. I think they are lovely people who just want to run the best club they can. I would never wantonly do anything to harm them. The Splendid parties down there have been some of the bets nights I have ever had out clubbing. But, unfortunately, on NYE 3 people were assaulted in the back room at 5.30am. I have tried ring TA 3 times to talk to her regarding this serious matter. She rang back on the second around 10.30am and said she had just got up and could she ring back later. When she rang back later she asked if she could ring back later as she had guests. We said OK. It is now the 4th of Jan and despite another call from us she has still not rang back. Why do you think that is? Some questions need to be answered and at the very least she should be enquiring about the health of the victims.

John- You completely fail to mention the fact that you were repeatedly warned though out the evening about behaviour and openly using drugs and you repeatedly ignored the warnings you were given. You were aggressive towards the door staff in your attitude and generally rude to people.

Unknown- Better update your Cabbaged flyer on your hyperlink to splendid, says on there about getting drunk & telling bouncers to fuck off. Tells everyone exactly what you are like. Shot in the foot maybe?

Shaun- You really are a twat!

Freind- taking drugs? On NYE? At a club? Hangings too good for them. Ok, if I were to take drugs in front of a bouncer in the majority of clubs I attend, I would imagine that the bouncer would a) confiscate said drugs, and give me a scary warning, b) confiscate the drugs and throw me out, or c) just throw me out/ask me to leave. If I were hosting an evening of music in a room of a club, and a bouncer asked me to clear out the room at the end of a night, I would expect the bouncer to understand that crew and associates of the sound system would be required to remain present until the rig could be removed. Also, if the rig couldn’t go anywhere in the meantime, i would hope that there would be no reason for the music to be turned off - what would be the point after all, in stopping a limited number of people enjoy themselves? More importantly, if I were hosting a £40 alcohol binge night, I would make pains to provide some form of coach service to and from the club, as it is ludicrous to assume that everyone leaving the club is going to be sober and fit to drive. Fundamentally, everyone involved is probably guilty of some degree of irresponsibility, none more so than the bouncers who so blatantly overreacted to an alcohol fuelled situation. I say, everybody can be mates again... hopefully. ps alcohol causes far more deaths, divorces, road accidents, injuries, violent acts, dementia, and indeed impairs judgement to a far greater degree than just about any other drug i can think of...

Forgot to mention my personal experience with the Lydd staff. I have always found them to be offensively natured, aggressive, standoffish and unhelpful. I believe they feel it is their job to make sure you feel watched. They belong to the dark side. At the end of a night, after the last tune has been played, before you get that ringing in your ears, you are sure to hear, "everybody out! Could you start making your way, P L E A S E!" in the manner that bouncers think comes across as 'reely ard an sarkastshtik', but in fact, they are just putting a downer on your evening, lessening the likelihood of you ever coming back, and thus, arseholing themselves out of their own jobs. Their searches are extreme - how anyone can get drugs in such a place, without the bouncers knowing in advance, is beyond me.

A person- Sorry but you are taking this right out of context. In all the times I've been to Clublife I have never felt threatened or intimidated by the bouncers and never have I seen the staff to be rude or offhand with me. Why not try and hide your stash in a better place. And in reply to your query about the lack of transport. Sort something out for Christ’s sake, what do you want? The moon on a stick?

Sane person- What are you like?

Insane person- soft and bruise easily

Paul- (reply to John), On the contrary no one (that I have talked to) from tVC was 'repeatedly warned though out the evening about behaviour and openly using drugs'. Who were these warnings given to? By whom? What behaviour are you specifically referring to? What do mean by 'openly' taking drugs. All drugs taken are taken surreptitiously as they are in all night clubs. I think you are misinformed here or are exaggerating.

(Reply to dear unknown,) tVC are not violent people. We are peace-loving people who abhor violence. The link was meant to be 'ironic' - I will remove it as you find it offensive). In the 15 years we have promoted parties we have never had an incident of violence with anyone, particularly a 'colleague', which Bobby was that night. Remember we were working to. We were on the payroll. We were staff that night just like everyone else who was working there. We were not some surly pissed punter refusing to leave at the end of the night. dear 'a friend' I agree that 'everyone can be friends again' but people have to talk to each other first, acknowledge the problem, them resolve it in the best way for both parties. TA? Bobby? Ring tVC please we need to talk.

Nero - A general reply. We were not told repeatedly through the night to stop misbehaving, nor were we taking drugs openly all night. If we were surely we would have been thrown out by the bouncers there and then. Why have the bouncers not cited this as a reason for throwing us out? I was not being aggressive in the slightest. We switched the music off at 5.30 as soon as we were asked to do so by the bouncers. Then all of us sat quietly round the table talking amongst ourselves waiting to move the equipment. Bobby was being most aggressive from the off and insisted we get out of the room, despite me saying we were all waiting to clear the equipment up and carry it out to the van so we could leave.

You must understand that it takes more than one person to pack up and carry all that equipment. That wasn't enough though and I don't see why it seems to be considered perfectly acceptable behaviour for three people to be assaulted and slandered because some bouncer has momentarily lost it. Answering someone back is not being violent however you may like to twist it. At no point did we refuse to turn the music off or did I chuck a bottle at him. I am a peaceful person, who although may get a bit mouthy on occasion totally abhors all forms of physical violence.

Spaceman- Sorry to hear about the nasty ending with the TVC crew - NYE, as I have said in an earlier note my partner and I had a fantastic time. I cannot comment on what may or may not have happened as we left before any of this took place, what I would like to say is that security staff are there to protect us from anybody who thinks it might be clever to start acting in a nasty and aggressive way, which I think on the whole do a good job, however I did notice a more hardened stance from the security staff that night, but then they did have to look out for a large number of drunk people, which if I was in their position would be on edge as well.

Shaun- I like you! top man!


Unknown- You tVC guys need to chill out! Talk about over reacting, most students find it difficult to write an essay but it seems your very competent. Maybe you should go back to college and do something more useful with your time. Ok so TA hasn't spoken to you, if you are pressing charges then she has every right to remain silent.

Unknown reply- You twat!

Punter- TVC have every right to be annoyed the way they were treated is disgusting, it’s meant to be party after all. If I wanted to watch wrestling I'll get Sky television thanks! Certainly would not expect this on new years eve/ day. Fair enough some of security are OK Louise I think her name is cool, but some of the blokes need to calm down a bit. At the end of the day we're going for a night out and TVC provide a good show. I hope we see them again but wouldn’t be surprised if this is the way they get treated. Its shame you treat people in this fashion...

Penny- Clublife do a very professional job. The staff is friendly and efficient. Organising an event like NYE takes months and hats off to TA and the crew. Bouncers are a necessary part of any club and are used to telling people what to do. Sometimes they cop the brunt. TVC are a collective whos heart, I think, is in organising free parties, which are by their very nature self-regulating. We’re not used to being told what to do, especially in such a manner and on NYE Neroi copped the brunt! I'm writing really to say let's not forget that Partying is what we All love and where our common ground lies. Happy New Year and love to ALL of you and....Roll on the summer!! X

Paul- Thanks for everyone's comments. It would be nice to hear from the club (bobby or TA or Johnny on this, either via this board or by phone). tVC would like to talk about this and hopefully sort things out. Nero feels that she is being tarred with the violence brush and if she drops it then she is saying she is guilty - which she is not!

Rosie- As a punter plus a DJ playing for the tVC and the new years eve collective, having been with tVC for over 5 years now, the treatment that has been dealt to us since we have been to Lydd has been once surprising and on NYE totally disgusting. I having played at Lydd for a few Months now and have been aware of a few discrepancies, when the music was turned off and I heard the bouncers telling us that the music had to be turned off, the music went off. To my memory, the music went off, then we questioned that the music was being turned off before the time advertised 6am, this was received with what appeared to be an aggressive reply from a bouncer, he said if you swear once more you will be thrown out, to which surprise was expressed by which Neroy and others then Neroy was then taken roughly from the club and to outside and then man-handled. As the divide from the main room and the back room was made, we packed the equipment as shocked and as quickly as we could. This was NYE after all, there was no violence apart from what happened to Neroy, there was NO bottle throwing there was NO violence only that there was surprise at the room was being turned off before the designated time. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE NEED FOR BAD BEHAVIOUR from those such as the people that had befriended us and people that are supposed to give you security. I only hope that the people that have added to this message board actually do KNOW what happened that night and are NOT JUMPING ON THE BANDWAGON. I hope this does get sorted out and the main people concerned are dealt with the proper way and that this is NOT repeated again.

Unknown- yes

Uknown- i have known tVC for many years and believe they can be very violent and for everyone’s information it was both the bouncers and tVC, i.e. Neroy that was in the wrong!!! All the times i have been to Clublife, no matter what night it has been the bar staff and door staff have always been fine and just doing their job. So in all what ever you do don’t blame TA, none of it was her fault! P.S. it wasn’t only alcohol that was inclusive it was all-inclusive.

Unknown2- At what stage does it becomes your fault for being assaulted? Does the "she was asking for it" argument carry much weight in your small tiny mind? Does it apply to any other areas of your life? Where in Bobby’s job description does it say that foul language is just cause for physically assaulting a fellow co-worker, or anyone else for that matter?

Yawn- boring boring boring

?- Sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me! Bobby will hurt you when he throws you across the car park. Can Bobby read? Does he understand words even? Words there never gonna hurt him are they

Yawn- yawn

Dave- no wait, they where obviously educated as far as nursery school.

Paul- The entry from 'uknown' has said 'I have known tVC for many years and believe they can be very violent' I feel that I have to refute this 'flame' from someone who claims to know us but refuses to identify themselves. tVC are not violent and are refusing to be tarred with this brush. The tactics of the entries on this board seem to be that of false accusation in order to vindicate violent behaviour by others. (‘Oh well they are violent anyway so Bobby was justified in being violent to them’). This is wrong. I would like this person uknown to justify this comment either by outlining their evidence or contacting us at tvc@www.com or withdraw it.

Unknown- Would you please give us all a break! We are all bored rigid now of this incessant going on about NYE. Look we all appreciate what you must be going through but PLEASE sort it out amongst yourselves and stop involving everyone! My new years resolution was not to get involved in other peoples crapp and yet every time I visit this site there you are STILL going on about it, c'mon you know you have it in you to resolve this amicably and peacefully, without dragging us into it. I have remained anonymous because I don’t want to talk to you about this as I have better things to do. Will your reply to this be equally as rude as some of those you have posted on the previous messages? (Probably!)

Take care Steve and I’ll speak to you soon.

25 May 2009

the last post

So, I'm off to work then off to college, as usual, but when I get home the silence of the house tells me the story. She's gone.

A scribbled message on the coffee table explains all. How it was the hardest decision she's ever made, yada yada yada.

I'm lumbered with all the debt but not before she's stuck a weeks car hire on our card. 

Goodbye.

24 May 2009

“it may be time to get an appliance”

So, down the East Kent him and Nick are, as usual, having a right old time with each other until I go and sit between them. They both shut up. “What you talking about?” I ask.

“Nothing”, they both reply simultaneously.


Now, since we went out Thursday, 7th Heaven and Friday to Organic (where I DJ’ed with Timo and Shaun and later we went back to Shaun and Penny’s and chatted, drank tea and played some tunes and where Shaun gave me one of his sex toy catalogues and where Timo said “it may be time to get an appliance” – I kid ye not). On Saturday we went to Deal, Sunday the EK, Monday, Woodpeckers till we finally get to the present, now, down the EK he’d been well hogging her time. At her side constantly and no one could get near her really; especially me.

I’m talking about Thurday at the club, back at Pollys (I didn’t go but she said “oh, I’ll just take the money up for the van and give it to Rosie. I’ll only be 5 minutes and I’ll be straight back down because I want to be with you!” Only she didn’t come back down but stayed up all night and left me to sleep on my own.

Friday night down the pub she did talk to me a little bit but it was forced and I said “come home with me” and she said “no” and we had an argument in the street.

I’d had enough. Let’s say I fucked him off. Conrad wanted to punch him all weekend. “that’s how we’d sort it out in Lincoln” he said. But we’re not in Lincoln are we? Louie said he’d back me up if he kicked off but he didn’t. He just shouted and said “Oh, big daddy Oz has decreed it then has he…?” all patronising like. That’s why everyone was pissed off at me for ruining the vibe, maaan, and how it breaks the party people etiquette of don’t air your dirty linen in public. So called radicals, liberals’ anarchists, whatever they call themselves appearing more
conservative and more attached to middle class values than the MC conservatives they purport to despise. Sheesh!

23 May 2009

But it’s not real.

Ah! That was it! Down the EK! That’s what reminded me writing the last entry down. It all happened down the EK.

As a result I’ve got Polly completely blanking me and Nero shivering and juddering every time I touch her. I remember down the East Kent (DTEK) her screaming at the top of her voice in a packed pub “Fucking don’t fucking touch me…” and other such stuff that, you know, as soon as you begin to hear it your brain shuts it down and all you can really see is these lips moving in silence .

In bed it’s there, us lying together but apart and as soon as I lean over to put my arm around her she exaggeratedly pulls her arm or her shoulder away and sighs out real loud breath style. “Hey,” she seems to be saying, “I’m pissed off with you and you’d better work hard to get me to talk to you about it because I might not even bother talking to you again unless you do.”

But that was last night and today is today and today she is making an effort and so am I and we’re, actually, having a good time. Of sorts. Not all the time is fighting and breaking up slowly. Sometimes there are oceans of calm but only the fighting is remembered.

She’s still a little subdued and I fuss over her a little too much, not touching her too much either because if she stops letting me touch her then I know I’m fucked.

At the party in the sunshine in front of everyone I keep her pipe filled with this excellent grass that I bought for loads of money. I keep her glass filled and she even dances with me and gives me a hug on the dance floor. The sun shines and the world seems like a nice place for a bit.

And it’s great. But it’s not real. But it is real because it’s happening and, well, today is a new day. If we’re getting on well TODAY then the relationship is well, is it not?

22 May 2009

tVC assaulted by bouncers in New Years Eve

Now then. Had a strange weekend just gone just before Christmas. Was booked to play in Canterbury at Studio41 with Shaun, Timo, Jes, Rosie and Friendly Pete. 


It was supposed to be a bit of a Christmas bash for us but things never always go as you plan them. We’d also been double booked as we’d agreed to do Marie-Anne’s farewell bash in Whitstable, Cromwell Road the same night but as it was agreed months ago so we couldn’t back out.

I’d decided that the best way round this was to set up the Cromwell Rd party early-ish – they had their own DJ coming to spin some old Motown and stuff like that while the relatives were there – hang around and pick up our gratuities (a large bottle of Vladivar and a case of Hooligans) then drive up to Canterbury, play the early set, then come back to the Bubble around
midnight.

But the best laid plans of mice and men…

Nero and I were chilling at home in the afternoon sucking on some top weed, which the hip hop boys gave me for designing their flyer, when there’s a knock at the door. It’s Stoney. He’d had our car round at his mate Stuarts the week before for about five days repairing a blown head gasket. Whilst doing this he’d damaged the thermostat and severed the choke cable. Anyway he’d come round to fix it before him and girlfriend Jenny drove down to Cornwall to visit Jenny’s mum. He’d been out there hours, and it was freezing cold, and we needed the car soon. He came in with a long face then informed us he’d snapped off the thermostat cover, couldn’t get a replacement (everywhere was shut) and would ‘come back tomorrow’ when he’d got a bit.

The night just caved in around me. Nero was on the phone ringing Cagey to see if we could borrow his left hand drive Renault to move the stuff. I ‘arranged’ with Stoney to meet early at the Crommy party where he would pick me up, drive me to Canterbury, wait around till I finished my set, and then drive me back to Whitstable. I now had a chauffer for the night! Nero zips up to Cagey’s to pick the car up and on the way back decides to partake herself of a opened bag of jelly babies on the dash. By the time she got back she was saying things like ‘I don’t feel very well’ and ‘out of the fucking way, I need the loo!’ Within ten minutes it was gushing out both ends. She was a right off for the next three days. Lying on the sofa with the duvet around her lithe frame, the fire up full blast going ‘I’m cold. Oh fuck… it’s happening again’ then running in three steps to the toilet. Poor thing.

Anyway, managed to get the kit set up, one of the hip hop boys (Steve) agreed to play 10 till 12, met Stoney who picked me, went to Canterbury, no Jes and Timo coz they’d fucked off snowboarding somewhere in Europe, if fact no one there at all, so plays a hour and a half, Shaun strolls in, takes over, say my goodbyes, agree to meet everyone back the Whitstable party, then fucked off, ensconced in the back seat with the heater up full and avoiding all the police patrols out for the crimbo drunk driving blitz.

So, Nero out for the count, 2 DJ’s missing, car fucked. Only redeemed later on when me Louie, Steve and Emily went round to Sara’s, lounging on her sofas, to get drink some ‘Vlad the Impaler’, as Louie kept calling it. Over and over again. We sat round the fire chatting away till around six in the morning – Sara, Emily and Louie were seriously pissed by now – till I rang Nero to see how she was. As she was up and about she picked me up and took me home. The end of a rather unpredictable day.

The Tuesday before we got an invite to Chris Goodman’s birthday ‘drink’ at his house 7.30 pm onwards.

I’ve been a web page designer for the past year. Been working down in Sandwich for a communications company in their Internet department with a 22 year old coder who’s into fast cars, a 55 year old graphic designer with 5 young kids and who never stops talking and a boss who’s a member of a ‘swinging couple’s’ website; we know coz we hacked his machine and found his membership (heh, heh). I thought I was a freak!

But I feel well a home. Among this lot. There was supposed to be this fire drill one day but the alarm in our end of the building didn’t go off. The Managing Director, who is from Belfast and has a well thick accent, burst into our room and shouts ‘ You’re all fuckin’ dead!’

Nero and me have been going to see a couple’s therapist for the past few months. With long-term couples you get particular problems
associated with repetitive behaviour patterns. That is we tend to argue in the same way each time and nothing gets resolved properly. These patterns tend to create resentments and frustrations, which build up over the years. We’re having fun at the moment coz she’s unpicking all this stuff and we seem to be getting on a lot better. Next session in January we talk about ‘our families’. Aargh! I’ve said to Nero ‘please don’t call Colin a psychopath.’

Did Tracey-Anns club, Clublife, on New Years Eve. The back room ‘till 6am’ as it said on the flyers. We had to split the time with some other DJ’s (Matt Walls did the first slot! He seems to have calmed right down.) but eventually got on the decks about 1am. The drink was ‘free all night’ or so it said on the flyers but they shut the bar at 2am. Never mind, we had two crates of lager and a bottle of Jack Daniels stashed behind the decks just in case anyway.. We also had loads of lush ‘mum and dad’ that everyone was tucking into and apart from a few drunk lads seeking help from Dee, the nurse on duty, everything was all going along uneventfully till 5.30 when they told us to turn off the music. What follows next is the article published on the tVC website:

NEWS

tVC assaulted by bouncers in New Years Eve Debacle

"All cruelty springs from weakness." (Seneca, 4BC-AD65)

Door staff at Clublife night club in Denge Marsh near Lydd assaulted three people from tVC Sound System as they attempted to dismantle their equipment at the end of the evening. They had been working, supplying sound equipment and DJ's for the back room of the New Years Eve Ball at Clublife and were in the process of removing the equipment from the club at 5.30 when the assaults occurred.

According to eyewitness reports, at 5.30 in the morning after a rather uneventful evening, heavy handed bouncers used aggressive, unrestrained and unreasonable tactics to eject 2 women, attached to tVC Sound System, from the club into the car park. Once there, 18 stone Bobby, the head of security at Clublife, proceeded to attack one of the women, pushing her over and punching her. The other woman attempted to restrain the man but to no avail. Both women's combined weight was 15 stone.

'They just picked us up and threw us around like tissues', said one of the women. The other said 'It was 5.30am and the music had just been turned off in our room, the back room. There was about 15 or so of us all sitting around the table talking and waiting to load the equipment up into the van so that we could go home. Of the 15 people, 10 or so were crew members and the others were friends who'd come down for the night. They turned the music off half an hour earlier in our room. People were drifting out into the main room which was still going full on. The guys were busy behind the decks dismantling the equipment. We were all sitting rather quietly when a couple of bouncers came over, one of whom I now know to be Bobby, and told us to 'get moving' as they needed the room 'cleared'. I said that we were all just waiting for our driver to get the van and then we would be moving the equipment. He said 'What all of you?' and I said that yes all of us were involved and they were all helping us to load up the equipment.

With this they went, only to return about 5 minutes later in a much more agitated and insistent state, saying 'Come on now, get moving' or words to that effect. At this I replied, 'No we're not moving, I told you we're waiting to move the equipment." Whereupon he started to insist on us all moving. I told him to fuck off, and he said 'Swear once more and you're out.' I responded by turning to the people on my left and talking under my breath started to say how unreasonable his behaviour was being and he said 'don't mumble under your breath at me.' To which I replied "This is ridiculous, I'm going to get Paul to witness this.' He was standing in my way and I tried to get past him. At this he said 'Right you're out." He then grabbed me by the left arm and threw me physically out of the back door. The other bouncer who was by his side this whole time then stood in front of the door, barring the way.

Outside I was thrown onto the concrete, and he was on top of me throwing punches. I managed to get a bit of rock in my hand and started bashing him above his left eye in the hope that he would get off of me and stop hurting me. I was very frightened. Somehow I managed to get him to loosen his grip and got to my feet. I ran to the back door of the club and screamed through the door as loud as I could, 'He's kicking my fucking head in out here.' Then I was dragged back down to the concrete again and fell down onto my left side. As I looked over to the door I could hear Zoë screaming and then she was flying through the air as she was flung by her arm across the car park.'

One witness to this assault, Stuart the tVC driver (who was not allowed in on the guest list and had to pay the 37 pounds entrance fee, and only had a few beers because he was driving) attempted to intervene as he watched through the open fire door from inside. Two other bouncers barred his way outside as they were standing in front of the door as he attempted to push through to save the women. All three then turned on him and pummelled him with blows all over his body and face breaking his glasses in the process. Everyone of the other 8 or so eye witnesses was shouting and pleading for the men to desist their actions. 'He lost control', said Pete, a tVC DJ. 'Right in front of everyone'.

'Me and Zoë threw ourselves in between the bouncers and Stuart and everything seemed to calm down a bit as everyone else managed to push their way out into the car park and could see what had happened'.

Clive, a 45 year old teetotaller who also paid 37 pounds for the free drink all night ticket, said 'I have never seen such outrageous behaviour from door staff in all my 30 years of clubbing. The other two door supervisors were really good and were handling the situation well until the head of security arrived. Even when he was assaulting the women they still remained calm and were trying to restore order. It was Bobby who really over reacted to a scenario that was actually quite trivial. I don't think I will be coming back here. We're all more, ahem, mature clubbers and we don't really need this harassment'. Cecile, 48, and a first time clubber, was in tears as events unfolded. 'Oh dear' she said as she sobbed.

Other, regular, clubbers from other club promotion nights, including Splendid, have complained before about 'heavy handed behaviour' from this team of door supervisors such as 'beatings' and 'assaults', 'rude behaviour' and 'inappropriate language'. 'Following people into toilets', 'ejecting' people from the club for 'trivial' or 'unsubstantiated' reasons such as 'rolling up a cigarette'. 'Over stringent searches upon entry' and 'aggressive attitudes at the end of the night when they are clearing people out' were other complaints. 'No smoking is allowed in the club and this rule is vigorously pursued'; 'people have to go to their cars for a spliff'. 'You can't relax even if you are not doing anything to irritate the bouncers'.

The current bar manager, Stuart B, when asked about this and other incident alleged incidents said 'I've talked to Bobby and he says that she said 'fuck off we're not turning the music off' and threw a bottle at his head. 'They're in charge. They handle the security. I have to back them up'. Even if they are wrong? 'There's nothing I can do about it!' was all he would say.

Even club owner 'TA' was reported to have asked them nicely, after another incident at the main door, 'if her really good friend from years ago' would be allowed back in the club after he was thrown out for committing some 'minor misdemeanour'. There was also a constant stream of people at the first aid post suffering from alcohol related complaints. 'All of them very, very pissed' said the nurse on duty.

NYE at Clublife was supposed to be 'an explosive high-energy fusion of the years best promotions DJs from Clublife / Splendid / Monkey Business / Unprofessionals / Ex-essential and tVC. Fully heated marquee with chillout cafe and waitress service two rooms of music drinks free all night except champagne, midnight madness, performers, tickets £37!!!!!!' - but wasn't. Club owner TA was asked to talk on this incident but, so far, has refused to comment.

Both women are filing complaints and are considering pressing assault charges against the man.

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I have started threads on various message boards on the net about this; chiefly Clublifes own and the responses have been interesting. Will send a compilation of them next letter which I will send next week (and I’ll send you a letter filled with stuff from the UK every week from now on till you get back home to your friends and family). Do you get any news at all? Do you want me to send an extra letter with news articles from the newspapers and magazines? Current affairs, music news, whatever Steve, just let me know. I want to support you over there. Are you getting these letters?

Take care. Love Paul

21 May 2009

Spot On

Out of the infiniteness of total black a universe is born. From where I am, a long way back, floating, or lying on my chest, I hear nothing. I think “Is this the big bang?” and “if it is then why can’t I hear it?” I tell myself to be quiet and watch.

Instantly from this big black ball arc bright searing fractaline complexities, like an eclipse of the sun but, you know, like turned on. Boof. First the black – nothing – then… this. But instead of being blown back, or hearing it, I go towards it, slowly rotating anticlockwise forward then downwards…

When will all this end? Do I just do this forever?

Awakening with a start and a sharp quick intake of breath my eyes open. 8am. And a rig needs moving, a marquee to set up and a party to be partied. A big bright hot sun beams brave and other worldly tingles lock in immediately consciousness is aroused. What happened last night? And the other four nights? And days? Why is my favourite T-shirt ripped? And why do I think that I should feel bad because I’ve done something wrong but feel good because I did something wrong?

Nero walks in as I sit up. “Don’t”, she puts her hand up toward me and stops me talking before I can breathe in.

“Today is a new day.” Her look says “Please, go with me on this.”

I look back just before saying “OK.”

“Tea?”

“Yes please.”

I lie back on my pillow, upset and wanting to cry but only able to do that sort of twitchy, bottom lip type trembling. Not so upset you’re actually going to cry but upset enough to nearly cry.

A smile really dos come right on through this and I once again thank the guy that made the universe explode for giving me another chance.

Conrad is here from Lincoln and already up smoking spliff and drinking tea. So is Stuart, Conrad’s mate and generally all round sound geezer. In fact they’ve both been here since Thursday. Or was it Friday? Anyway, Terry’s round “visiting the kittens” and, while she’s here, telling Conrad that she’ll see him “at the party” this afternoon. Or was it down the pub tonight? Down the pub tonight I think because today is actually Sunday. Anyway, it all starts to come back slowly at first but then in a great resounding rush of embarrassing winces, screwing my eyes as each event unfolds. My memory goes “Ha, ha, you thought that was bad! What about this…” and whips open another curtain of unconsciousness to reveal an even more socially embarrassing gaffs that send another jolt of realisation through my whole body. Jolt! Aarrh! Jolt!! Aarrh!! Wince! You know the feeling?

Other people are here now. Rosie with the van. Ben, already laughing at his fingernails, but otherwise here to help move the equipment out. There is also Barry, who gives me a lighter on a string with a picture or rather a detail from an old flyer of ours. I thank him and he says “That’s alright.” Helen, Adam, Paul; also from Lincoln and here to let their hair down. Which, from what I remember about last night, they did. I remember having a conversation with Paul who told me he can only do coke and grass because a few years previous he’d fucked up a bit and started caning E’s and speed and other stuff and how it had fucked up his pancreas and now he’s diabetic. He said how everyone still tries to give him or make him take E but, you know, it’s a party and he doesn’t mind repeatedly saying no.

And Sue.

Nero keeps the tea flowing and everything is chummy and we all sit down and chat for a bit and watch Supermarket Sweep with Dale Winton and laugh loudly at how excited the contestants seem to get.

While we were at the Deal party last night our marquee was used by Nick Arnold for his usual once a year D&B spectacular. I’d rang him and he’d promised it would be at The Woodpeckers at 10am for our party that afternoon. It was.

We’d had some technical problems (ie everything had fucked up, again) but when the music kicked in everything just became spot on.

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