6 February 2009
Capricorn - Crap at cards you may be, but this is your month for luurrve! Due to a once in a millenium conjunction between Pluto and Venus expect your dream date to show up on your doorstep lunch time on the 14th, with a bag full of grade A's and a burning in their loins. Unfortunately you'll be down the housing benefit office all day as you've had no cheques for a month. C'est la vie!
Aquarius - You've been waiting long enough for this new age to start and there's only really one way to do it. For the next month you must give all your money and drugs to an exceptionally tall man, with long hair and a gold tooth. Remember you don't want to be held responsible for standing in the way of enlightenment of all mankind, do you?
Pisces - A good month for travel. Sadly this will involve either being arrested by the Met and being taken to an East London nick for questioning about a gangland murder, or being mistaken for a lottery winner and kidnapped. Destiny sees you dropping a hot pot noodle on your bare feet.
Aries - A great month for being creative, so spend your time thinking up new false names and address' for the next time you get stopped by the rozzers or practising signatures for your next kiting expedition. Destiny sees you being rudely interupted whilst masterbating.
Leo - You are largely considered by many astrologers to be head of the fire signs. With this in mind you will be upset to hear of irretrievable hot rock damage to your most expensive shirt/jacket or both. Be frugle whilst carrying cash (let's face it, when aren't you?) as many Leos will find themselves being mugged by deranged Big Issue vendors.
Virgo - Well, lucky, lucky, lucky you, sex, money and travel all before the 6th. Oh, hold on that's Scorpio. Actually it's best I don't tell you this month. After all even Nostrodamus held some back in the name of mental stability. Destiny sees you hiding in a cupboard with rampant paranoia.
Libra - Notorious swingers that you are you're probably still staggering around wondering what year it is. Lady luck will smile on you around the next new moon, when you should remember where you live. But avoid supermarkets around the 18th as you will be gripped by an overwhelming urge to steal Shiphams Paste wrappers.
Sagittarius - This is your year! You can expect to be the talk of the town and gain celebrity status beyond your widest dreams when you become the centre of one of the decades most outrageous sex scandals involving several 'liberal' MPs, a sack of road tar and a tall geordie.
Destiny sees you laughing like Sid james at an inappropriate moment.
Scorpio - Without doubt one of the most handsome, debonaire, intelligent and sexually dynamic signs in the Zodiac, this, as ever, should be an exceptionally good month for travel, money, sex and meeting interesting and influential new friends. But in reality you'll probably be spending most of it alone, in bed, as no one really likes you, you treacherous bastard. Don't bother buying a lottery ticket!
Cancer - With Mars in your 3rd full moon and the sun in Uranus you can expect to find yourself getting arrested for ABH every weekend until well into June. You will have no luck in hitch hiking for the next two years and destiny sees you becoming flustered in a sex shop while trying to buy amyl nitrate. Expect worse news next month.
Gemini - While Capricorns may appear to be this months love warriors, it's female Geminis who are the real winners in the romance game. You will find true love amongst a group of eager Aquarians with a gold toothed man who will be unable to stand, whilst laughing like a kid and juggling Margaritas. Destiny sees you wishing you'd never talked to him.
Taurus - You sense that it's time for a change and quite frankly, so does everyone else. So get yourself down to marks and Sparks and buy yourself some new keks! Could be a good time to give up smoking, due mainly to the fact that your left lung's gonna collapse on the 9th.
Destiny sees you buying a very tall man several pints. Cheer...