28 May 2009

Death Throws

Paul, Please don't worry, I am fine and promise to keep in touch. I hate libraries, they always make you want to crap. 

Give the girls a lovely fluffy stroke and tell muff she's very brave for not being scared of the trains. I bet Josephine is pleased to be shot of the cafe! Oh, my hair cut was shit, thank fuck it's grown a bit, shall have to go on the salon....Speak again soon. XXX

happy new year etc.
Hope you are well. Bit worried about you as i haven't heard a peep out of you for a while. get wit da programme girl... hee hee
Nick Wilson wrote:
Friend, hello, sorry i've been so long in replying, but i haven't found it easy to get to the library lately. I don't want to lose touch with you and i won't. it is still very raw at the moment and the stuff you said about Russ i completely agree with. But it is like a death that we have expereienced, and when i came back it was like appearing at my own funeral, a very starange experience. And also i would have experienced it differently to you, as i did feel a genuine shock at how many people dislike me, or aspects of me, or what i did. i think everyone is slightly
pissed off with me though as i left you all. Still in the scheme of things as you say a year is a very short space in time, and it will not always be as raw or as upsetting as it is now. I truely did love you though for a very long time, and I will always have an ache in my heart for it all really. I think of you every day, as you say it can just spring out of the blue, but you are always there, and the best thing is i only think of the good stuff, i always re4meber the good stuff we had and the fun and love that was there for a very long time. If you don't hear from me too regularly don't worry it's jsut i haven'y been to the library, not cos I'm doing it all again. I too was aware of the awful, dreadful irony of doing exactly the
same thing nerarly a year to the day later. i am pleased you took the plants with you to your new house though. Are you settling in all right.

Don't let all them drunken bastards come round and wreck it though, will you? Where are the photos of the house when we moved in? Have you got them or shall I look for them, as that shows the state of the garden whem we moved in so there is no way they can charge us to get it back to that state. Anyway I haven't had time to check the spellings on this as i am off to the hairdressers, to wait for it, have my hair cut!! i might even go for a different style. So hope you are well and the cats aren't puking everywhere, at least puke is better that shit, or is it, or is it the
same thing? Anyway hang on in there, stay cool and positive, carry on playing the computer game, and I'll speak to you soon. N xxx

paul tvc wrote:
Yeah, Angela Hirst are piss ripping to the extreme. I am not paying one fucking penny to the fucking fuckers. So there!
What? Thinking about a career? Well done you! You gotta do something to pay the bills now I’m not around. ha! The thing about a career is that if you do something you love for money it is never the same again is it? Use your degree and get a job Nick. Your suggestions are far better than factory work aren’t they? Social work is a very worthy profession and just think of all those waifs and strays you could help. And get paid for it! I’m sure if you went to their website they’d tell you more about the job, grants etc… I’m glad you are not drinking. You did see through the alcohol lie but chose not to act on it. Think of the positive effect the split has had on you not the negative (leave that to me…) don’t let glib comments from people undermine your new confidence. Perhaps your anger was the thing fuelling the drink?

Thank you for getting back in touch with me anyway. I know I don't deserve it the way I said them inappropriate things when you came round to do the plants (I took all the ones you'd brought round anyway!). I’ll understand if you want to sever things and not bother 'being friends' or being involved in my life again. We were both so horrid to each other for years (me to you particularly) what difference does another horrid moment make in the grand scheme of all beautiful things? Mainly though the horrid moments were -are- about concealing emotions and not showing vulnerability or weakness. After that moving day, one of my worst days ever, I have never felt so rotten in my life for so long. I was coming, reluctantly, round to the fact that you were never going to talk to me again and I didn't blame you. Not one bit. You don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to. I’m not a very good human being at the moment, I know that now, and my social inadequacy and insecurity and
vanity and pride is always getting me into trouble with people. I have never really had anything and feel I never really deserved anything; especially a woman who loves me, especially a woman who respects me; especially someone who wants to spend time with me. No. why would they want to? I don't deserve too have that. I’m still sometimes that needy little boy frightened of pain cowering in the corner hoping that they won't hit me again.

I was really hurt by your comments (repeat mantra: “she will never hurt you again, don’t allow her to hurt you again, she will never hurt you again, don’t allow her to hurt you again”) about blowing me out, not talking, emailing etc. it was like you’d ‘groomed’ me back into your life by being “nice” then done exactly what you'd did before and just dumped me. Again. Ooh, I was so hurt by that. Now, you're back again! Being “nice” again. You are not going to do the same again are you? Even if I say inappropriate things? You can’t blow out everyone who says the wrong things to you can you? Please don’t do it nick. I haven’t talked to anyone at all about your behaviour, either recently or when you left, so I don’t know what you mean when you say “the intense scrutiny and interest in what we are doing, how we are doing it, from other people” What do you mean by that? Who has said this to you? And why? I think they may be winding you up or being deliberately cruel to you and fucking with your brain Nick. Whoever it is they do not have your best interests at heart. When you say: no one else sticking their oar in and saying we shouldn't be allowed to get on, and I have felt that a lot from people. I also feel that they don't like the fact that we're not playing the game really, as they want us to go round slagging each other off, setting up rival courts.

I beg to differ with you. Not one single person I have talked to, not one, who knew us both has ever said anything like that to me. You have the wrong source of information on this and you must tell them to stop spreading malicious gossip (i.e. gossip that is hurtful and untrue). I have not at all seen: enjoyment in peoples eyes at the destruction of it all. In fact it’s the opposite; there is understanding, sympathy and genuine sorrow in some peoples response to what has happened. No one has judged you, maligned you slagged you off or said one bad word about you.
To me anyway.
I was always very worried about your destructive over the top drinking ‘habit’. I think you used to use it as an excuse to say and do outrageous things and upset lots of people and your excuse would always be ‘I don’t remember’. A classic. Also being drunk all weekend (and when you were at ‘the allotment’) and not saying one word to me during the week (or even the weekend!) was, I think, one of the final straws for me that decided I didn’t really love you any more. It really, really pleases me that you are finally addressing the issue and have finally got a lid on it.

Just a shame you never did it when you were with me. Still maybe it took something traumatic like what you did to wake you up. I appreciate now how bad we were for each other and how drowning yourself in alcohol to hide the hideousness of living with some you didn't love must have seemed the only survival tactic you could employ. Or a fucking great excuse to drink and behave even more hideously than you already had. But it was both encouraging and destructing for your personality. And the more you destructed the more I, quite frankly, hated your behaviour. Implosion was inevitable.

You are now, I hope, one of my (e)mail pen pals that I will enjoy writing to and talking to and communicating with. The others I see now again but I think it would be best if we didn’t see each other in the flesh for a little while. It is still to hurtful for me to see you at the moment. I am only just this week beginning to feel a little return to normality. I have a new routine, new attitude, new friends even. A split like what we had is a great excuse to reinvent yourself. All my old pals are still there and I still do really fancy a party with them now and then. So I do. Most of the time I spend alone. Still unloved but feeling so much better for not living with you anymore. Maybe it took you ‘leaving’ to realise these things in yourself that you now talk about so openly to me but never, ever talked about when we were supposed to be intimate. I still think you thought only of yourself. I still wish you’d talked about your feelings to me or the therapist and you know they would have helped us split up ‘properly’ without all this destruction that we now have to recover from first; then pick up the pieces; then put them back together; then get our lives in order again; then begin to think about moving forward into the future. We could have cut down this whole year to, oh I don’t know, maybe six months? Still what is done is done. I will never put myself or anyone else through the trauma of what we put each other through.

Ever. Still. No regrets (he says rereading all the regrets above!). We’ve gone through the worst now haven’t we?
There’s not much to report this month as I haven't gone out anywhere, seen anyone or done anything. I don't even cook any more (well I do, a bit, when I’m in a good mood, or nor exhausted from working) and just live on (nice) convenience food and TV dinners from sainsburys whilst vegging out in front of the TV. I am thinking about having a dinner party soon though. At least I’m losing weight, not drinking (too much) or taking drugs. Once in a while I’m so miserable sometimes I feel like a zombie. Maybe that’s my natural calling. I sometimes just sit in my chair,on my own, crying like the big baby I am. Wracked with guilt and fear and regret (so no change there then?) I blame myself for everything that has ever gone wrong and keep thinking I could have, should have, done things differently or if I had handled things in another way then everything would have been OK. of course that’s not true and I know it's not true but my mind, sometimes, it travels back in time and I sometimes see a shadowy angry version of myself in a hotel room in Portugal with a leather jacket in my hand thinking to myself if I swing this jacket and it makes contact with her then you do know that is the end of everything you want? But time travel or not I swing it anyway and I see you are frightened by that and the same feelings of guilt and loss I felt at that moment are recreated in my head for me to suffer over and over again. Now I truly know what hell is. There’s more. Insecurity, need, fear; I live and have lived with these emotions every day of my violent and shitty and poverty ridden life. Of emotional growth stunted by a culture of violence and bullying macho posturing and of no love and no one there, especially when I was a small child, putting their tender arms around me and telling me things are going to be OK and that they love me. Of a life of friction and fighting and hiding my real self in drink and drugs to blot the reality of a nothing life lived in a nothing place for a nothing purpose. Of constant tears hidden from everyone, of a need to be loved so strong I shake with emotion yet here I sit, alone, just as it always will be from now till death, regretting, punishing, time travelling...

Then again, wake up calls; given like fish slaps, cartoon gestures in a ren & stimpy world; being pushed into a large deep tank of very cold very black water; the shock, the shiver, the breathing in of liquid, falling but never hitting bottom; the need for survival, the kick of the foot, the slow travel upwards towards the light, towards the air; the breaking of the surface, that first deep breathe of life, oxygen and survival.

Has someone been saying something to you? Don't kid yourself. You aren’t front page news you're yesterdays chip paper. As I am. I, along, with everyone else who ever knew you and loved you and cared for you and still do care for you feel incredibly let down by your attitude towards your 'friendship' with us. You gotta do what you gotta do though. Dumping us all like that must have been a very hard decision to make but the splash that caused is only just beginning to subside. Is that what you are talking about in your email? No one talks to me about you any more. They never did anyway. Penny said ‘oh, I haven’t written to her for a while’ when I asked the other week. I always have stories to regale about you; oh I remember when me and nick did this or that. It just shows how transient and fickle human relationships are.

Life is for living not regretting. Life is in the present not the past. I was very pissed off with you too; for saying you want friendship but it sometimes appears you don't really. Who knows what you want? You’re confused. Like we all are. I think you say you want friendship to help make me and you feel a bit better about what happened but I feel you do really want it. You kid yourself. You kid me. I don't think so.

Good luck in your new life. I truly wish you happiness and contentment and I would love you to tell me about it and all your new adventures and challenges, via email or whatever. You never had that whilst with me at the end but you may find it, if that’s what you seek, in Wales or wherever you choose to live. Who knows? It’s exciting! Look forward to it! Wherever you live and whoever you choose to spend your time with you will always be you. The unknown future is always the most interesting aspect of life isn't it? Especially when the future is new and challenging. I do hope you keep in touch with me as to blow me out completely would be a dreadful mistake that you may regret the rest of your life. Remember we have another 50 years of life left which is an awfully long time to live and regret. You never know when you may need a friend. But, if you do think 'severance’* is the right thing to do then so be it... I do hope you still care about me as I do still love you very
much. The balls in your court nick. As it has always been…

Ps. I spent some time with Justine and Emily at the weekend and me and just got round to talking about Russell moat and how we really miss him now he's gone and how sad it was that things ended the way they did for him. Just said he had no pictures of russ and I said I still have a few and would sort him one out. I subsequently, had a quick rake through a few of our old albums and eventually found a picture of Russell and, looking at him sitting there, smiling, I thought of some things I would say to him if he were still alive and thought about how things are when people suddenly leave you and what they leave behind. There I go; regretting again...

Pps whether you choose to remain in contact with me or not I will always send you a monthly update of my life and things that happen. Bye for now. Oh, the cats are fine. Bloody things. Puking, pissing and shitting all over my new carpet (and bed yesterday!!! God, you should have seen them run. It was the first time I’d shouted for a year!) You can visit us any time you want. You know we always have a space for you in our hearts and home, and you are welcome to visit any time you want (if you do). Remember we ARE friends… and that’s what friends do. Visit each other.

You are always, and will always be, in my thoughts every day until the day I die. You will probably be the last thought I ever think the moment I die! Sometimes I wake, even go to work and come back and fix my tea, and don’t think of you at all. But at some point during the day a little thought always creeps in and it always says ‘I wonder what nick is doing/thinking now? I wonder what she’d say about that? How would she'd handle that comment? Where is she now? Is she smiling? Or crying? Is she outdoors with the wind in her hair where she loves to be; her ruddy cheeks and her welly boots? Has she had her hair cut yet? It also always says: never forget what she meant to you; never forget the gates she opened in your heart; never forget the joy and love she brought into your life; never forget your love for her. And I always reply back to this little voice; I won’t.
* I have a computer game called severance. In it you chop your opponent into small pieces; generating much blood… hmmm! Talk to you next month...Nick

Wilson wrote:

Oh god, they're taking the piss aren't they? What are they doing are they being heavy about it? Shit. And they kept the deposit as well?

Thanks for your email, it is really nice to back in touch with you. I can't not keep in touch, I have tried and it just makes me feel even worse.

Like you I feel caught between it all, but I don't feel anger towards you, or hate, or anger, just very sad at the destruction of it all, and firm in the knowlege that I never want to lose touch with you. I know it's a wierd thing to say, but in a way I feel closer to you over the last year than towards the end. I think of you every day, many times a day, in fact you are never far from my thoughts, and they are always fond ones. I too look at my past and especially my fuck ups and I too feel angry at myself.. I do feel that perhaps in the scheme of things that a year is very close to it all happening, and that maybe it will take a bit of time to get to a more comfortable place with eachother. I do feel that our post relationship has not really been helped by all the intense scrutiny and interest in what we are doing, how we are doing it, from other people. I feel closest to you when we get our email thread going again, as then it is just me and you with no one else sticking their oar in and saying we shouldn't be allowed to get on, and I have felt that a lot from people. I also feel that they don't like the fact that we're not playing the game really, as they want us to go round slagging each other off, setting up rival courts, like Chas and Di and dishing all the juicy details of what went on in the relationship. 

Well they've got a long wait. I have been quite shocked at the level of enjoyment in peoples eyes at the destruction of it all, but the best thing is to have seen you doing so well, and I am very proud of you and happy for you. I popped briefly round Rosie's last night to drop her off 15 quid I borrowed months ago, and she was saying how lovely your house is and how well you've done there.

She also said the girls were slowly getting used to the trains but they'd already settled in. I am glad, as I know you were really worried about the move's effect on them. Yes I am in a bit of a mish mash at the moment. I'm thinking of maybe going to agricultural college to do some sort of gardening thing, or I saw an advert in the paper appealing for people to go to college and retrain as social workers with bursaries awarded for grants, but I didn't really think about it until later and by then I'd lost the advert. But that could be a good career for me, what with my fatal fetish for severe emotional fuck ups.... Anyway, the best thing is that I am still not drinking, and I feel really, really good about that. All I can describe it as like, really, is seeing the light, and it has taken on an almost quasi-religious significance to me. 

I only wish that I had seen through the lie of alcohol sooner, rather than living my life under it's filthy lure for the past two decades. Every day I rebuild my confidence in small ways, and am finding it easier to talk to people and deal with them, without being drunk. So out of all this mess something positive has happened...Anyway, thank you Paul for being there, and stay strong and cool, and I'll stay in touch, I promise. And know that every day I think of you a thousand times, N xxx

paul tvc wrote:
hi nick,
i'm ever so glad you decided to get back in touch. How's things with you? you seem a bit unsettled at the moment don't you? what with the kent/wales/kent/wales yo yo vibe and factory work/field work/gardening work. don't worry; things are bound to settle down at some time. i'm sure and you'll find somewhere/something that'll feel right for you and you'll put down some new roots again somewhere and begin to feel part of something again. you need to do this. i know. wales and mummys may or may not be the place to do this. perhaps you still need some breathing space to sort your head out. i don't know. you were always a tough one to figure out what was going on inside you emotionally. life relentlessly grinds on though doesn't it?

And you're right t never gets any easier. i'm a bit like you in the way in that all this 'stuff' has deeply unsettled me to and i have the dicotomy of really wanting to hang onto you in some way and wanting to blow all the past away and start anew. be angry with you and fuck you off. but i can't coz i don't feel that way. i see you and see my past mistakes and feel angry with myself for feeling that etc blah blah i won't burden you with all that psychological crap...if blowing me out is what you want then i'm fine with that. i only want you to be happy in yourself. all this talk of keeping iin touch and being 'friends' may have been said as a survival mechanism, a fear of hurting further, or of not wanting to prolong hurt, or maybe just as an escape clause of sorts. i don't know. just let me know that you're ok now and then or what you think or want and i'll endeavour to respect that. OK? i'll still send you a monthly 'bullitin' at the beginning of every month whether you choose to contact me or not. if you do not want this then, hey, i'll be fine about it. honest.

ps. angela hirst and the landlord have said they want, get this, £3425 of me for marine crescent. can you believe it? here's one example: redecoration of entire property; walls £900, ceilings £500., woodwork £1000. clean and tidy garden £280. somehow, i don't think so...

Nick Wilson wrote:
Hi Paul, I'm sorry not to have got in touch for so long, but I just couldn't handle it really. I should have realised that you were covering your feelings up, and realised that you were feeling as wierd and upset about everything as I was, but I just reacted to what you said, took it personally and couldn't handle it, so left. Then that made it easier to just leave it for a while, as every time I see you you seem more and more pissed off with me, and I thought it would be best to just sever it. Actually I was very pissed off with you and thought fuck everything and
wasn't going to get back in touch to let you not have to hear about me, or see me getting on with my new life. But just reading your emails have made me cry and so I've just got back in touch to say I hope everything is going ok for you, and I really never meant to cause you so much hurt or shit. I will always love and care about you, and remember happily the times we had. It still doesn't get much easier, does it? Still it's a long time to try and undo. I'm pleased you got your lecturers job, well done. It must be a bit better teaching people who are more into it?

I have only just finished work, so haven't been along to the library at all since the last email I sent, so I'm a bit rusty with it all. It's sad Josephine is selling the cafe, but it's probably for the best, she'll at least have some time. I'm off up to Wales again. I can't hack it round here with all the being the front page news all the time, plus I need to find work anyway. I will still keep in touch, but I feel it will probably be better if I'm not around. Hopefully people will find something else to disscuss with me not here. I'm sorry I didn't move the plants for you, I was really upset about that as I said I would, and I really didn't want to let you down again, but again I did, didn't I, the story of our life together.

So sorry to do the disappearing act. I'm ok, I'm very sorry to have worried you and upset you. I hope the girls have settled in all right, and you as well. And most of all I hope that you are all right. I love and miss you. Be good to yourself. Speak soon N xxx

paul tvc wrote:
hi nick,
here's my monthly report:
-settling into new place. it's well wierd and i'm still not used to the new regime yet; cats still scared of the trains going past but they'll get used to it. i hope. totty was puking a lot but i've reduced her portions, wormed them and i hope that's enough to sort the problem out.
-5 weeks into my lecturers job at cant coll. things going well. i'm winging it and learning flash along with my learners. real busy working to do much socialising. have a beer with val the odd friday after work but that's about it. haven't had a night out in ages. been to the pictures a few
times though; saw a japanese horror film and a spanish 'hitchcock meets monty python' wierd one recently. how about you? you still like film?
-still not found anyone to share bills. room still empty. dave may be coming back in january but who knows. i aint been asking around that hard so i should get my self in gear.
-josephine closes the HSC on 15th nov. it's been bought by 'deli dave' and he's turning it into a tapas bar. yawn... she is having a farewell party though if yo fancy coming?
-haven't done any tVC things for a while, except the pub. am having a break from all that for a while.
-haven't heard from you for while. i hope you are well. you said you were working real hard so i presume you haven't had time to reply to your
emails. you go for it girl...
-scouse got news that he can finish his sentance off in the UK. he's well chuffed about that and it will happen early next year.
-well, that's about it. hope to hear from you soon. if not, well, you take care of yourself and i'll send you an email next month...